Exceptions

I'm nearing the 6 month mark, yeah team!

Here is list of exceptions I've made, this will be a working list for the remainder of this Blog year:

*bit into crouton at Cheddar's
*rice in frozen veggie side dish
*rice cracker(s) in nut mix
*rice at Indian restaurant mixed in with biriani at Zona Rosa
*3 fried onion rings at J. Bruners
*breaded chicken fingers someone bought me
*French's fried onion in and out of green bean casserole
*a few bites of breaded leftover sesame chicken

*breaded chicken fingers/wings

*communion bread

*queasy end of January had lots of rice, noodles, and a few crackers
*breaded fried fish and chicken again and again (it's so hard when not eating bread to order in certain fast food places, this is my ongoing compromise--my job lands me in fast food about once a month)
*more breaded chicken
*a slice of Supreme Pizza Hut pizza 

*mashed potatoes at Texas Roadhouse 

*pancakes at Denny's 

*sandwich and cookie at Grad orientation 

*quarter pounder with cheese and crispy chicken sandwich from McD's on the ride home from Columbia, MO

*sandwich at prom

*lots of breaded sweets in Branson 

*potato at Dixie Stampede 

*chicken and dumplings at Lamberts

*calzone at Silver Dollar City

*random quarter pounder with Greg 

*5 handfuls of baked Cheetos 

January Intentions

We have a new member of the family his name is Gerald and he is both lovable and demanding.
Gerald is a 2ish year old Walker Tree Hound mix we adopted from our local no kill shelter.
He is an inside dog that makes sure I get my 15 minute walks in which is good since the winter months often make this a challenge. I have a conference at the end of the month that will make for some additional obstacles especially to my planking (I don't wanna plank!). I've noticed my water consumption has been mediocre lately.

January Daily/Weekly Intentions:
*15 minute daily walk, may be banked
*plank 1 minute each M-Th (if done take weekend off, may bank a minute the week of conference)
*Drink 48 ounces of water a day (club soda doesn't count)
*measure snacks based on serving size on label, only one serving of snacks/desserts a day

*stick with my eating plan and weekly Blog posts

Merry Christmas Eve

I have noticed my pants are longer and sometimes drag the ground.

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I made some Meringue Cookies they are so good!

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It's great spending some down time with my family.

Chocolate, Spaghetti Squash Pie, and Meatless Crumbles

I love chocolate I'm not too fussy about it either. I really love it with peanut butter. I really love it dark or milk. I really love Hot Chocolate and Hot Fudge on ice cream. I must confess I ate a bunch of it Thursday night. My Santa Elf (my co-teacher/friend) left me little treats this week each day, it was a lot of fun and it included chocolate. Christmas and food go together very well. Today I plan to make my Aunt Sally's Chocolate Cut Out cookies. I'm not going to eat any this year but my son especially likes them (with no frosting) and there are few things that he craves so that's a no-brainer since he plans to be home.

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I have created a recipe that I want to share, it's a spin off of spaghetti pie. I took baked spaghetti squash that I forked out the noodles and pressed into the bottom of a baking pan (9"x 13" or a wide casserole) I poured over it about a cup of milk mixed with an egg, I sprinkled this with parmigiana cheese. On top of that I put left over chili (or you could use spaghetti sauce). On top of that I put shredded cheddar (or mozzarella if spaghetti sauce was used). I baked this until bubbly at 350 for about 30 minutes and then let it set to cool, I serve it cut into pieces like lasagna. I packed a serving of it for my dinner this week when I had to work late, it is really good reheated. Hints: Don't make this all in one day. Bake the squash some time when you're already baking something else it can wait in the refrigerator a couple of days already forked or the whole squash. Have chili another night so that it really is the leftovers. I use jarred spaghetti sauce and add the meatless crumbles (see below).

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I recently discovered that I like meatless crumbles as a substitute for ground beef. I have used them in chili (above recipe was actually meatless) and spaghetti sauce and I plan to use them in tacos over the holidays. My daughter is vegetarian and it's a big plus when I can sub in this for some of our favorite recipes that normally have ground beef. I try to strive to choose products that are animal friendly. Below is the URL of a brand I've used that I thought had the best meaty texture.

http://www.kraftheinz-foodservice.com/en/productsandbrands/meats/bocaveggiegroundcrumbles

Packed Lunch Ideas (that require no microwaving)

This week I plan to take:

• celery with hummus
• lettuce wraps with turkey/cheese/mayo (I pack the lettuce separately)

Please add ideas as you have them in the comments, thanks!

Admitting

If I don't post it, it doesn't exist. This makes absolutely no sense but is a frequent running suppressed thought. I want to and have eaten large amounts of certain foods and I've had too much of this or that over the weeks. This has not occurred on a daily basis but often enough that it warrants pause and reflection. I am not seeing growth in my desire to eat mindfully: I am consistently mindful in the what but I am erratic at best in the amount.  I need to go back to reading and reviewing Lindsay Reinholt's book [note to self: add this to intentions for over Christmas Break? ponder this].


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The pumpkin bread I posted about is really great and I continue to enjoy it as a nice breakfast warmed with peanut butter spread on it.

Beans & Coleslaw

Almost weekly I get a craving for baked beans and coleslaw. I have enjoyed both of these for years but lately this is on a much deeper level. They are so satisfying and go together so well. My lack of certain carbs leaves me hungering for starchy foods and these two dishes are acceptable carbs and very filling.

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I'm struggling with packing my lunch lately. I'm unmotivated in the morning and even though I'm hungry at lunch time I just don't feel like really eating much at that time. In my current position I eat in my office as I do other things, this is not ideal. The two places where people eat are a bit of a walk and I really don't want to take the time to go there. [Note to self: January goal eat lunch with people?Ponder this idea]. I need to be more mindful about packing my lunch because this not eating enough at lunch leads to being overly hungry in the evening. Overly hungry leads to stuffing the food in and even though the choices are "appropriate" the urgency and speed of the intake is a habit I am wanting to curve. It bothers me to think that if I don't get a handle on these tendencies, once this year is up I will slip right back into huge bowls of popcorn and large plates of fries to satisfy my hungering physical and emotional voids.

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My pant size has gone down 1 since this past July - I am very pleased. I look in the mirror and my portions are much healthier. When I'm teaching I feel balanced as I move about the room reaching for things etc. Last year I often felt awkward about my size as if I was about to tumble. Now I am able to easily put on my shoes and do not get winded in ways I was 6 months ago. In the past when I started to see changes in my size I would reach for more fitted clothes to spur me on to more good deeds through the compliments of others. For now I am continuing to wear looser tops as I really don't want others to notice at all, in fact I dread it. My sisters and daughter may discuss such things with me and all would be well and good as they really know me. It's the need for casual compliments that I feel I need to do away with, not that the giver of the comment has done anything wrong it is my need for it that is a problem. As I wear tops that are less fitted my size is practicably unnoticeable and therefore I am going around with a 10-20 pound buffer. My mental being is free from the constant obsessing over who has noticed it (for the ups and the downs). This is very freeing much in the same way that I feel free by not weighing myself.

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Walking on a regular basis is everything! This week I shopped after work on Thursday and Friday and with the early darkness this left me with no chance for my "15 minute pleasure walk" on these evenings. The good thing is that even though I missed these walks I was actually active those evenings as I went around the stores. Furthermore yesterday (Saturday) morning I prioritized a 45 minute make-up walk as soon as daybreak hit, a glorious way to start the day. I am normally MUCH less active on weekends and this broke that typically cycle. Win! Win!

December Intentions

1) continue eating plan
2) continue 15 minute pleasure walk*
3) continue 1 minute daily plank#

*if I miss a day I make it up the next, I can't bank minutes

#if I miss a day I add a one minute chair sit against the wall the next day

Thanksgiving

Actions:
It has been a wonderful relaxing long weekend both of my kids came home and we enjoyed eating and doing a lot of nothing. I've kept up with all my eating and moving goals with one exception: when we went to a favorite restaurant on Friday night about 40 minutes away I decided ahead of time to have 3 of their delicious fried onion rings.Three is such a good number (one for greeting, one for good-bye, and one in-between). For the main meal on Thursday I skipped the rolls, dressing, and both types of potatoes but had plenty of turkey, green bean casserole (skipping most of the fried onions), and pie without crust. I made broccoli/cauliflower with cheese sauce baked with extra cheese on top a favorite of mine this year to supplement our usual more traditional sides. I have been eating pie for breakfast each morning along with turkey and gravy. getting extra sleep, and doing lots of Netflix-ing which has been a wonderful thing especially since these past few weeks have been extra busy.

Feelings:
At times I felt denied and a bit mournful not eating things I really enjoy. At other times it felt great to have a plan and to be satisfied with what I could have. Being mindful about getting out for a daily walk was a great addition to a mostly sedentary few days. I also find that since I don't eat these certain things I am less likely to eat (overeat) late into the night. Practicing eating a little of something indulgent such as the 3 fried onion rings gives me such pleasure, hope, and confidence in myself. I deeply value having my own philosophy regarding eating and moving.

A post

Attention:

• I am staying on my eating plan and other November goals
• This is Musical Theater production weekend
• That is all

"Feed Me!"

Today's post title is a common phrase from the evil and hilarious villain from Little Shop of Horrors our HS's soon-to-be performed musical. As we enter into our final week of rehearsals I am both exhausted and exhilarated with the first leading to the second which in turn cycles around again. I am sticking to my eating and walking plans and have found that these changes are feeling like a natural part of me. Since Halloween I have become the candy lady, I brought our leftover candy on November 1st and handed it out to my HS students who each took a piece with glee. My work partner and I have continued to keep the basket filled ever since helping to break up the fatigue of lengthy rehearsals. The students think we do this for them when in reality it's our way of justifying our own need for a bit of sugar. I have noticed that I am more able to take a little candy as oppose to my tendency to overindulge in things like chips or popcorn. I've been packing myself light suppers and often have soothing tea and a light snack of nuts or seeds that I consume around 10 when I get home just before my head hits the pillow.


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I had mentioned to my friend (work partner) Melody that I had been trying to walk 15 minutes. Meanwhile her youngest was given the goal of walking 18 miles in November. This has worked out well to have this common theme. Last Monday while our band students worked with a clinician we took a 20 minutes walk together around our local college campus, I initiated it and she quickly accepted my offer.


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This month I added 1 minute daily planks, I am still working myself up to doing this without any breaks. I often put my knees down for a brief moment or stick my middle up high to relieve the tension for a moment. I can feel my core during the day in ways I didn't before, for example I was holding a long tone on the trumpet recently when I noticed I could feel my muscles engaging nicely.

Pumpkin Bread

Yummy!
Recipe URL in "Sizes?" post
Spongy texture, not too sweet (in a good way)

I used regular table salt and canned pumpkin
It says mini loaf pan, I used a 8X4" pan, baking time was about 30 minutes

Sizes?

Not all women's sizes are the same and this can be very confusing: some pants are loose in the same size that others that are tight.

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My work buddy said, "I'm on to you, you're not eating carbs...you're shrinking."
I replied, "I'm being careful"

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Last night I was extremely tired and craving a carb overload, I had some Snapea Crips(see URL below), they have the texture of Cheetos. I ate the whole bag (3.5 servings --120 cal/serving). It really satisfied my snack craving.

https://jet.com/product/detail/ac78e601d6db4d58868aecd67d2cc9ab?jcmp=pla:ggl:a_jd_cons_gen_food_beverages_tobacco_a3_b1:food_items_snack_foods_chips_a3_other:na:PLA_648191734_39624881344_pla-212814675904:na:na:na:2&code=PLA15&gclid=CNmW0Za6kdACFQKWMgodfacPdA&gclsrc=ds


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This morning I am going to make Paleo Pumpkin Bread that uses Almond Flour. I'll report back on the results in a future post. The recipe can be found here:

https://elanaspantry.com/paleo-pumpkin-bread/

Pictures

Seeing myself in the mirror is so different from a photo. I'm not sure what it is exactly but photos can be discouraging. I own who I am but for a moment, when I first see it, I cringe. I used to not be able to look at certain photos at all but I am growning to appreciate all of the different views of me.

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Eating and PMS and being a woman and all that nonsense amaze me. I remember Oprah sharing when she was getting close to/starting menopause that she was celebrating each monthly cycle as she would a close friend. I love the show King of the Hill the simple lessons the characters learn each episode are funny and enlightening. One of my favorite episodes is Aisle 8A when Connie gets her period while staying with the Hills, Hank has to take her to the store (and whatnot). Later Connie and her mom have this conversation:

MINH: Kahn Jr., you have PMS. It's hard, but very easy to understand. You just yell and yell, or you just cry and cry. 
CONNIE: But it feels like I'm doing both of those at the same time. 
MINH: Connie, you feel things more now. Makes sad movies truly excellent. You see Titanic on the right day, it blow you away.

This is so true for me, at times I am angry/raging but more often I am deeply moved by things like gratitude, humor, and the thoughtfulness of others. It's hard to curve the cravings I get for certain foods during these hormonal episodes. However, I love how they eventually subside like the changing of the seasons.

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My 15 minute daily walks have been a true blessing this month. I often get home and head right out so that I can be sure to get my walk in before the evening squeezes it out. Sometimes I walk around the town where I work. One afternoon this past week my work buddy needed to vent a bit so I walked her to her car which was on the opposite side of our small campus. I told her I was counting it as the beginning of my walk so she could meet up with her daughters who were waiting on her. It was a win win situation because then she didn't feel bad about me going out of my way.

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November Goals (Intentions)

1) continue with eating plan

2)15 minute daily walk for pleasure

3) 1 minute daily plank (will need to build up to this)

100 Days!

Today marks 100 Days since July 13th!

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Mindful eating (and living) is a wonderful complicated challenge. There are times when there is a raging battle of whether or not to eat this or to have another handful of that. As hard as the battle is this is actually progress over the times when I suppress and ignore the part of my soul that is yearning for a healthy climate of living. During these times I freely indulge as I pretend that regret isn't waiting for me around the corner. Living free of regret is a possibility only when I act in a way that reveals my core beliefs. I want my core belief to be that I make mindful decisions about food choices. Is it possible to develop core beliefs? Another question for the cosmic void.


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I finished reading a thriller recently, The Girl on the Train -Paula Hawkins The main characters struggle with addiction, I can easily relate. The sense of accomplishment when I have made positive choices for a certain length of time, the repeated realizations of what poor choices lead to, and the constant crisis of belief of whether or not to continue making good choices today. It is always important that I continue to not let my past define me while still owning and growing from lessons I've learned.


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This has been a positive week, I have felt neither repressed nor indulgent. I bought a new top and pants last Monday -- I took two sizes of pants into the dressing room, I tried the smaller of the two sizes on first and they fit. I looked in the mirror and I liked what I saw: a woman with flattering proportions, with energy enough after work to go to the store for an hour, a woman who enjoys putting on a colorful top to gaze at myself in a full-length mirror.

Sizing Up

I've been thinking a lot this week about my size, this Blog, and my eating habits. I am realizing more and more how much I need to come to terms with how my eating habits and my size play into my perception of my health. These are not always in sync: I feel healthier when I am thinner and I feel unhealthy when I am heavier, but is that an accurate analysis?  I heard once that a definition of weather is the clothes you wear as compared to the definition of climate which is the clothes you own. I want to have a healthy 'climate' (mostly making good choices about my activity level and food choices) but I also want to be able to eat for the 'weather' (enjoying the celebrations and storms of life as food is often a part of these occasions). Life often about balancing work and pleasure: I want my students to see the fun in what they are doing and yet I still need to teach them about working through tough stuff with discipline and endurance. Having a healthy lifestyle is important to me and one that I am striving to define.

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I have enjoyed chocolate with a cup of hot tea most evenings this week.

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I have been diligent with my 15 minute daily walks. I did miss a day due to bad weather but made it up the next day as per my plan. I enjoy knowing my daily step amounts and have been trying to get at least 7900 on my non-working days. I usually exceed 11,000 steps on days I teach (that number will go down a bit with marching season ending tomorrow).

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I am really good about packing my lunch but some mornings I wake up and think grumpily  "I'm gonna eat breakfast before I pack my lunch today" (for me to do this 'out of order' is the same as skipping school to go to the movies). Overeating food for me is a type of rebellion and so I have been trying to figure out healthier versions of breaking 'the rules.' This week I wore the same socks two days in a row, is that nuts or what?

Big Jeans and Pumpkin Bars

I'm feeling discouraged, my big jeans still fit.
Are my changes enough to impact my size? How important is it that my size go down along with my energy level going up? We went to a buffet place last  night, I made good choices, did I eat too much?

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I made Soft Pumpkin Granola Bars. Yummy! The texture is more like a thin cake than granola. I am looking forward to dunking them in my coffee.

Here's the recipe I used:
http://mynameisyeh.com/mynameisyeh/2013/9/recipe-soft-pumpkin-granola-bars

I used pumpkin seeds, figs, and dates as my mix ins and I did add about a tablespoon of honey. If I make them again I would use a little more regular table salt instead of kosher salt. I also used quick oats this time as that is all I had, rolled oats would be better I think.

Here's a picture of how mine turned out:

Mindful Eating

"...mindful eating is an approach that says that there is no right or wrong way to eat but rather that the goal is to be totally aware of the eating choices you make and why you make them."                -Lindsay Reinholt, Meant to Eat

In practice this looks like me slowing down, appreciating every part of my food (look, feel, smell, taste etc.) and being thankful for it. I am getting much better at this but I have a ways to go. Lately I find myself snacking on cheese or wasabi peas while I make dinner. I want to curve this to vegetables or to wait until I sit down. It's so easy to loose track of how much I eat if I'm just picking at food while I cook. Sometimes I measure out a portion and that is better but this too is a slippery slope that could lead me into landslides of over carb vice eating.

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I was thinking about my not weighing myself and how I know this is the right thing for me, it has been revolutionary. I in-tune with my eating choices, activity and energy levels. Being accountable to those things honestly is vital. I have had other seasons in my life where me not getting on the scale was a rebellious act that went along with overeating and being lazy. I shared in an earlier post, Birthday Eve, about how I monitor clothes fitting, these types of check-ins are very crucial.

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My husband and I ask each other, "what do you want for ____?" when it comes to birthdays and Christmas. I replied, "a Garmin Watch" for this past birthday. I am really enjoying it as I am very motivated and encouraged by the amount of steps it says I take by just doing my job. It sets a daily goal for me which has increased by 3000 steps over the last 2 weeks due to my daily trends. Most days I take it off as soon as I get home other times, when I haven't reached my goal amount yet,  I wear it until I've done my 15 minute pleasure walk. One thing that's sort of annoying about it (in a good way) is that if I sit too long it sends me a message that says, "Move!"  I really don't want to sit too long and I tend to do that on the weekends and during school breaks. "Sitting is the new smoking." is a phrase I want to live by, I have been an avid non-smoker my whole life and I very much want to be an avid mover as well.

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I keep a list on my large kitchen white board of ideas I want to share on this Blog. If I'm away from home I write the idea in a memo on my phone.

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I bought a dark chocolate candy bar over 2 weeks ago and I haven't even opened it. I have had other treats such as ice cream but I actually forgot it was in there until I spotted it yesterday.

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 Last night I wanted something sweet after dinner, I ate a marshmallow and it was delicious. 

Turn, Turn, Turn

As I process my responsibility in reacting to others this verse brings me clarity and peace. I may not be ready right away to apologize, confront, or forgive. I may not even realize right away that I need to do anything at all. I am currently in a season of growth of understanding and building a better relationship with food and health.

Ecclesiastes 3: 1-8

To everything there is a season,
A time for every purpose under heaven:

2 A time to be born,
    And a time to die;
A time to plant,
    And a time to pluck what is planted;
3 A time to kill,
    And a time to heal;
A time to break down,
    And a time to build up;
4 A time to weep,
    And a time to laugh;
A time to mourn,
    And a time to dance;
5 A time to cast away stones,
    And a time to gather stones;
A time to embrace,
    And a time to refrain from embracing;
6 A time to gain,
    And a time to lose;
A time to keep,
    And a time to throw away;
7 A time to tear,
    And a time to sew;
A time to keep silence,
    And a time to speak;
8 A time to love,
    And a time to hate;
A time of war,
    And a time of peace.

Reactions

My reaction to others comments and actions are my responsibility.

When I say reaction I am referring to not only in the moment of the comment but everything from that point on both within myself and what others see. I had a time in my life where a certain comment hurt me so deeply I could not react in the moment, the comment reflected a feeling that was piercing to the foundation of our relationship. As hurtful as the comment was the person who said it was focused on their own hurt at the time and seemed to not be aware at all of how I would hear it. As time went on I protected myself from the person (it wasn't too hard since they live far away and are not in my family). Through studying James in a Women's Bible study I realized  (probably 5-6 years later) that I needed to ask this person's forgiveness for how I had been short with them on the phone over the years (passing the phone quickly to someone else). I also realized I needed to ask another person's forgiveness for a moment where I had briefly lost my patience and walked off in a huff.  It was an amazing time in my life when I asked these two people for forgiveness and one I have spent much time pondering over the years since.  I called both of these people on the same day, their reactions were very different. The first one thanked me, acknowledged that she had noticed what I was referring to, complimented me on how I had said my apology, and then went on to let me know how she had also noticed other nice things I had done in our relationship that she greatly appreciated. The second one also recognized that she knew what I was referring to and went on to say that she didn't really think I was sincere because I had done similar things repeatedly. When I asked for examples she had only one (I had not "talked to her on a shopping trip" with a third party). Forgiveness can be such a complicated thing. Sometimes I am not ready right away to do it I need to process and grow through my anger and hurt for awhile first. I did not tell the first person how they had hurt me or why I had treated them the way I had. Should I have told them right away? Maybe, I'm really not sure. My opening statement holds true in my life in countless examples. Yesterday I was informed that someone I thought I was showing support to had instead been feeling anxiety over my encounters with them. Thankfully they have let me know so I can make adjustments. In turn getting this news regarding their anxiety has caused me a lot of remorse, confusion, and deep frustration. How did I react? Did I crawl inside a large bowl of salty, fatty, crunchy carbs? No I did not. Did my husband make me a small adult beverage while he listened to me share with him my situation with much animation? Yes he did. Did I go for my 15 minute walk, shake it off, and eat a nutritious meal of spaghetti squash? Yes I did. My sister Leslie uses a phrase that I love. When someone says or does something that upsets her she refers to it as "made me bristle" then she ponders why she reacted that way so she can figure out how to move forward. Sometimes I need to communicate with the other person other times I need to work on myself. I decided with my grocery sample giving out acquaintance who commented to me about "maybe you'll keep the weight off THIS TIME" [emphasis added in my head] that I am now ready to forgive her and actually be thankful for this comment that has energized me to work more deeply on myself. She confirmed what I already suspected people were thinking and what I already knew: I have had a broken relationship with food that goes much deeper than 5 year 60 pound weight swings. My reaction will be to: not go the other way when I see her, to talk things through on these posts, to work towards treating food with mindful respect, and to build trust in myself that I am NOT my past mistakes.

Not Telling, Profiles, Birthday Cake/Senior Pizza, Roasted Chickpeas/Cheesy Kale Chips, HyVee/Walmart, and Morning Mugs

"I would send you a bouquet of newly sharpened pencils if I knew your name and address. On the other hand, this not knowing has its charms." [Joe Fox in an email: You've Got Mail]

The quote above is me regarding this blog. I am really enjoying the charms of not telling most people. I remember when I found out that my husband's cousin had become a vegetarian. No one knew for the longest time. She just did her thing. She didn't mind talking about why she had made the change (it was a compelling story to be sure) she just only did when asked. I really admired how she carried herself in such a way that most people, even those who ate with her often, had no idea. I am extremely thankful for being able to write here in this Blog and get out my need to share, it helps me move forward. 

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I admired my profile in the vanity mirror Friday morning. From my torso up I can see a difference in my shape that I feel really good about. Later that day I was sitting at a desk in the classroom and happened to glance a view of myself in a full length mirror I had forgot was beside me: not a good view at this time! While I am happy with my progress I am also aware that this is not the shape I want to maintain. Yes I am already experiencing success but I also know that I will have better health, especially in terms of my energy level as I continue with these good choices. 

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My birthday was last Sunday and the following Monday I found a homemade cake on my desk. My work BFF had left it there with a Happy Birthday message on the cover of the container (she had taken the day off to watch her daughters play at HS Golf Districts, which their team won WOOT WOOT!!). She is so clever replying to my thank you text with "what are you talking about?" but it was extremely obvious as to who did it and exactly the type of thoughtful thing she does. My 47th birthday (2015) was on a Friday, I had been on my new job for less than a month and we had a home football game. This meant a late night of Pep Band. No one knew it was my birthday, I thought about bringing treats etc but ended up celebrating my birthday in my heart that day/evening. (We celebrated as a family at another time.) It was so great to share the cake with students throughout the day who all gave me a hearty "Happy Birthday!" as they dug in with big smiles. I didn't have a piece but I've never enjoyed a cake more. The next day when my friend's daughter (one of the golfers) asked "how'd you like your cake?" I said in all honesty "I loved it!"

In similar fashion the Senior Class I co-sponsor earned a pizza lunch from our administrator for being the first class to get all of their registration forms signed and turned in at the beginning of the year. My lunch break is with the JH students so I was teaching while they enjoyed their pizza. There are few things better in this world than having 3 smiling/proud seniors interrupt your 6th Grade Band class carrying 3 slices of pizza saying, "we brought you some pizza Mrs. Haddock!" and asking "what do you like to drink Mrs. Haddock?"  I have a rare bond with these girls: they ask for and respect my opinion while also telling me how much they appreciate my help. I have been on the other side of this with other students I've sponsored in the past (I don't feel as though I've done anything new) and so I treasure this connection deeply. I did not eat the pizza (I packed it in my lunch box to save for my husband) still when the seniors asked later, "did you like your pizza?" I said, in all honesty, "very much!"

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I've tried to make roasted chickpeas but they were not nearly as good as the ones I bought from the Walmart produce section this week. They happened to be seasoned with Ranch but it's the texture that I'm in love with the most. I also love their Cheese Flavored Kale chips, the texture is a sort of gooey crunch. 

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My two hometown grocery stores are HyVee and Walmart Supercenter, both have a Health Food section and I especially enjoy trying their snack options. They stock a wide variety of nuts, seeds, and chips. The more traditional chips are corn &/or rice based so are not an option at this time but may be portioned in the future.

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As I posted in Bowlful the dishes we use play into how we enjoy our food. I really like certain coffee mugs and so does my husband. He and I are not the same in what we like but that we have a similar thought process. I like big handles that all 4 fingers easily slide into, he likes only 3 fingers to fit. I like big clunky mugs of any color, her prefers white with one simple emblem. 

Locker Sign Truth

Sign says:
Success is the sum of small efforts, repeated day in and day out!
Keep working hard, stay focused, and support on another!

I Scream!!

I bought some to have as a birthday treat along with some fudge sauce. Portion sizes were OK.

Next night was the big debate on TV...had a lot of ice cream. My husband made this yummy peanut butter topping soo good. I had a lite dinner and never felt "stuffed." Felt pretty sluggish this morning and craved snacking when I got home from work. Been picking at food lately as I cook. I keep "saving" at school, not eating enough during the day, then I am overly hungry in the evening. Still, that being said, tonight I made good choices, stuck to portions, did not have ice cream, and turned in extra early.

Bowlful

I read somewhere that the weight of dishes and utensils can add to the enjoyment of eating.
I find our recently purchased 2 small white bowls provide that for me.
Here is one with a 1/2 cup of pistachios:

Birthday Eve

Cooking on a Friday night is a sort of obstacle for me. Last night I managed to get a few errands done after work and in my mind I was going to either go out for dinner or order take out.  When I got home my husband was settled in for the evening and I realized it would actually be easier to just make something. This may not seem like a big deal but for me it is the new thoughts and increased energy that are big. I have this tendancy to feel entitled after a work week and my entitlement is usually fulfilled by consuming junk food. There are healthy takeout choices to be made but none as ideal as what I can make for myself. I also love it when I find myself with energy to spare after work. It's funny how I have more ambition on Friday than Monday, it's a matter of perspective. I see Fridays as being an accomplishment while Mondays feel like an insurmountable obstacle. Similarly this year of Viceless-ness can be viewed as either a long way to go or a challenging yet enjoyable new dance with unpredictable rhythms that provide risks that may lead to initial failures and hopefully continue into ultimate victories. I decide what I moves I use to respond to these rhythms for each day, each moment, and each circumstance.

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Last night and this morning I reread most of this Blog. I haven't been revisiting my intentions and goals on a daily basis anymore. Daily reading them is not necessary, once every 2 weeks will suffice. One of my intentions was that I would need to revise my intentions as time passes and this has been proven to be the case here.

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My October Goals:
*Continue with my eating plan
*Increase my daily walks from 5 to 15 minutes a day (when I miss a day I walk double the next)
--the September goal of walking 5 minutes a day has been good mentally for me more than physically, a nice way to change up the usual evening chair slumping. I also noticed I usually ended up walking 10 minutes.
*Keep up with my Blogging goal of posting at least once a week. Readers: if I go past 9 days without explanation I may need some encouragement.

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Late snacks when I arrive home after 9pm are going well. I am not eating popcorn but I do enjoy Wasabi peas 1/4 to 1\2 cup along with some soy nuts or pumpkin seeds and herbal tea. I think about this choice and amounts ahead of time so I'm not picking at stuff as I decide. In some ways food is a reward for working late but more importantly it is necessary to eat or I will wake up in the night very hungry.
There have been many evenings recently that I know I would've eaten gross amounts of popcorn had my mind not already been set. Those ways need to be a thing of the past and not a stress of the present or future (ie: stop letting negative self-talk creep in and try to say "you're gonna do it again once the year is up etc.")

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I went to Freddy's last Saturday with a few choir students and my work BFF music co-teacher. The menu was tough to navigate. I haven't told anyone about this eating thing at work (in general few people know or have realized).  I could have just gone with ice cream, then I saw a bowl of chili was an option. I was nervous about spilling it on me but decided to go for it. There was a comment about getting something other than a steakburger since that's what the place is known for and I said something like, "I do what I do." I ate slowly and didn't spill a drop on me.

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I tried to measure myself last night 3 times with 3 different, and not pleasing, results. I am going to give up measuring myself for now. My pants are fitting better, the end.

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My thoughts on clothes (specifically pants) fitting is there are variatons on what fit means.
On one end there is -- panic at the thought of them even touching the dryer for fear of any shrinkage
While on the other end is -- boy these sure are loose I need to be sure to stick them in the dryer to fit better
Between those two extremes are less panic and less concern about looseness.
The next level would be starting over with another size of pants (bigger or smaller as the case may be).
In order for me to use clothes fitting as my true guide on how healthy I am feeling I need to honestly realize where I am on this spectrum while I continually examine the choices I'm making.

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As previously mentioned an acquaintance of mine said to me after a recent weight loss, "maybe you'll keep the weight off this time Amy" these words haunt me. She has no idea how this came across and I am not in a position to tell her. I saw her yesterday, she works part-time at the grocery store handing out food samples (I know, right?). I have got to comes to terms with this becaue my instinct was to run and this is only hurting me. I am working on how I am going to respond and greet her the next time I see her. As my suster Leslie wisely noted recently regarding forgiveness in general "I need to put it down and stop carrying it around" I feel ugly even as I write about it and yet I feel it is important to do so. I am going to attempt to be thankful for this person's comment being a driving force behind the main theme of this Blog. My success is now, my daily choices to be healthy and to build a healthy relationship with food.

Heart of Palm

Forgive me if I've mentioned this before, I love Heart of Palm. It's in a can, is sort of like a noodle meets artichoke heart. I sliced it and put a little chicken cooked in salsa over it. Very yummy with a side salad.

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Earlier this week I melted a serving of chocolate and mixed it with a warmed teaspoon of peanut butter and 1/2 cup of Greek plain yogurt. Very delicious.

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Had a small dish of real ice cream with a little chocolate tonight. Mostly did a good job of going SLOW. (Guess what time of the month it is?)

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If this is too much information, sorry.

My "girls" are definitely fitting into the bra better. No more trying to puff out the top. I used to have to reset them on a regular basis.

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Tonight is measure night, hmm perhaps ice cream wasn't such a good idea...we shall see.

Grapes, Success, Box Lunches, Anniversary, and Herbal Tea

I've been enjoying green grapes so much I thought I'd try some red ones. They were not good. I noticed myself forcing them down like some sort of punishment. I wasn't proving anything so I threw them out.

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I feel good about what I'm eating, the choices and amounts. This is success. The goal is met. I have a ways to go in building a lasting, trust based relationship with food but my current choices are what I want to maintain. The pant size I'm currently wearing isn't the ideal size but I like how I feel in them now more than how I felt 2 months ago. I feel healthy and thinner even if I don't look any different. I'm in a much better mental place and I have more energy than before. I don't have a lot of energy when I get home from work but I have more than I did before.

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I shared in the post Doctor Scales, Enlightening Photos, Salad Orders, and Box Lunches that I would be attending a meeting with box lunches and that I wasn't sure what I was going to do. First off it was no big deal, everyone was busy eating and talking and no was making comments. I skipped the bread, cookie, and chips and enjoyed the separately packed lettuce/tomato with my meat and cheese. I have never been more thankful for an apple in my life.

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I recently passed the 2 month mark of this Blog, woot woot! I am also coming up on my 48th birthday. I day I like to enjoy with relaxation and fun foods. I have already decided that if someone gives me a treat to celebrate I will take 3 bites and ignore my rules for the day. I had already noted on a previous post how the first bite of something is the most enjoyable, especially when I am really hungry. It's important to notice it, sometimes I find myself cramming the food in as if I live in a theatrical orphanage with often denied meals. Lindsay Reinholt (Meant to Eat) writes that fun foods are really about 3 bites: the first is a sort of greeting, the last is a sort of good-bye and one middle bite is all that is necessary. Slowing down and really enjoying those 3 bites is very important. She also talks about how sometimes we crave fun foods as a way to be delinquent, to go against the rules that we generally follow to a tee. Finding other outlets for this is important like maybe listening to music that is edgy or painting our nails a crazy color. These are better outlets than eating a tub of popcorn (my typical rebellion food/amount).

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I am very thankful for herbal teas, they have been a huge help for me in the evenings when I can't figure out if I'm hungry or bored. I find the warm tea calms me, fills me both physically and mentally, and gives me time to determine true hunger vs. mindless boredom based snacking urges.

Doctor Scales, Enlightening Photos, Salad Orders, and Box Lunches

My sister posted a comment to my "Feeling after 1 week" post. She was able to take her thought process from one of defeat to one of victory. The timing could not have been better to hear from her as I saw my weight this week on the doctor's scale. I went in for a minor problem and was, of course, immediately put on the scale. Yes I had heavy jeans and shoes on but still would have loved to have seen a number 10 pounds lighter (I feel that was a realistic amount). This event and my sister's post have reaffirmed my decision to not weigh myself. Here's a quote from her comment,
"feeling like giving up if I was going to have to put so much effort into NOT gaining weight" 
 I have felt this many times. Maintaining weight is a battle ground for me. Our family took an epic trip to Puerto Rico two years ago and at the time I was in a maintaining battle. The scale was creeping around 8 pounds more than my "ideal" weight. I look at the photos now and am frustrated because I look great and I wish I would have paid more attention to how my clothes were fitting and that my energy level was high. I wish I would have stopped weighing myself then but instead I started into my common spiral of discouragement. This time my spiral led to an 18 month time of "I'm gonna take a break from worrying about what I eat". I honestly don't regret that I did let myself eat whatever for a while because I learned that I feel awful when I eat less nutritious foods on a regular basis. I also learned that I feel awful when I'm a size that slows me down. Here's another quote from my sister's comment, "I shifted my focus to how I feel, and realized that not only am I feeling stronger and with more stamina but I noticed the jeans I was wearing were fitting really well"   Yes, maintaining weight IS a battle so I will no longer go there, instead I will honestly notice my choices, my energy levels, and my clothes size/snugness. I want my relationship with food to be a healthy one, it's up to me.

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I ate out at Chik fil A with colleagues one night last week and I got a Market Salad. Being The Salad Order at a fast food restaurant is not something that goes unnoticed in a group of 10 women. I'll let you fill in the obvious comments. I was offered a fry from a friend and said, "no thanks" I mentally owned my choice without apologizing (even to myself). This brings me to this coming Monday meeting and the Box Lunches we are having. What goes well in a box? A sandwich? A cookie? I'm anxiously deciding what and how I'm going to eat: take the meat off the bread or maybe I'll pack my own lunch.

Let It Go!

http://www.ignatianspirituality.com/24471/inner-process-of-letting-go  -Posted by my Sister Leslie recently

This above article titled, The Inner Process of Letting Go relates well to how food is an attachment to me. I especially relate to Anger, Vision, and Relief.

 Here is an excerpt:

• Frustration: We begin to feel the effects of the unhealthy attachment. We feel the need to escape it, at least part of the time. We become more impatient with the relationship or the habit or the possession.
• Sadness: When it comes time to let go, there is some sort of grieving involved. Even if you truly want to let go of something, it has been your companion for awhile, and you may experience the sadness of parting.
• Anger: After an unhealthy attachment has wounded you repeatedly, the pain may very well give way to sheer anger. This isn’t necessarily a bad thing, especially if it gives you the energy you need to make the break with whatever you’re clinging to.
• Vision: How do you let go of your need to control the details of your life? You catch a glimpse of how it would be to be free of your obsession. You might experience an afternoon of giving up control—and discover that it was a pretty nice afternoon! If your unhealthy attachment is a bad diet, you may develop a different vision of your life by eating healthier for a few days and discovering how much better you feel.
• Relief: One day, it occurs to you that you really don’t have to hang on to that dream, or social status, or a younger woman’s dress size. And you are flooded with this wonderful sensation—it’s called relief. After you’ve experienced relief—or, it may be a deeper thing, such as God forgiving you for not being perfect—why go back?

Waisted!

I've measured myself at the bellybutton every other Friday for 6 weeks. Last night it looked like it went up 3/4", this morning it was down 1/2" (from the end of August's measurement). It's tough to get the tension the same each time, one little squeeze trims off a significant amount. On my phone reminder I'm posting unchanged.

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• Feeling proud of being me as I walk the halls at school with a spring in my step
• Feeling good in my clothes
• Feeling my pants hanging on me differently especially around the thighs and waist
• Feeling like I want my clothes to look good (ie: taking pride in my appearance)
• Feeling very proud of my eating choices and the fact that I prepped a lot of yummy veggies last weekend that were extremely helpful during this past week's hectic and stressful pace
• Feeling fantastic about loving vegetables: cauliflower, spaghetti squash, cucumbers, eggplant, grape tomatoes (veggies of the week)
• Feeling surprised when I have the energy to do a small extra chore at home after working all day
• Feeling like a winner when I picture myself making pleasurable yet sensible eating choices when I get home late (rather than salivating over the reward of chowing down a bucket of popcorn or a pan of fries)
• Feeling celebratory about following through on the sensible eating choices I envisioned
• Feeling less stiff and sore after working on my feet into the evening hours
• Feeling accomplished when walking 5 minutes for pleasure each day
• Feeling excited to Blog about noticing all my positive feelings

Cauliflower Pizza Crust

I found this recipe online:
http://www.foodnetwork.com/recipes/ree-drummond/cauliflower-crust-pizza.html

My nephew first introduced me to making cauliflower 'rice' as a substitute in things like pasta salad. He is a good cook and I definitely enjoyed the salad he made.
This is my first attempt at using cauliflower in this way. The crust is very delicious, fresh out of the oven there was a bit of cauliflower taste but has lessened and it's been especially good as leftovers for an easy lunch sandwich alternative. Cauliflower is very crumbly and messy, I think you could freeze it at the point just before or after the first bake. It would be smart to make this in big batches.


Cauliflower Pizza Crust (my first attempt)

1 Medium Head of Cauliflower (2 1/2 cups of snowy powder)
1/4 cup grated Parmesan
1 tsp Italian Seasoning (garlic powder, oregano, dry parsley)
1/4 tsp Kosher salt
1 large egg
1 cup grated mozzarella

Pulse cauliflower florets in food processor to snowy powder until you have 2 1/2 cups
Transfer processed cauliflower to microwave safe bowl, cover, and cook until soft 4-6 minutes
Transfer cooked cauliflower powder to a dry kitchen towel and allow to cool

When cool enough to handle, wrap in towel and wring out--may need to use 2nd towel

Mix together dried cauliflower, parmesan, Italian seasoning, salt, egg and mozzarella
transfer to a rimmed baking sheet lined with parchment paper



Bake at 425 degrees for 10-15 minutes until golden


Top with sauce, cheese and toppings
Bake 10 minutes more

Emotional Triggers

 Lindsay Reinholt's List of Emotional Triggers (Meant to Eat):

Stress: Sugar in the form of carbohydrates boost levels of serotonin that reacts in a way that is similar to happiness and well-being, be careful not to overload on carbs instead be sure to tend to the stress

Boredom: especially common in afternoon and evening or activity transitions

Emotional Repression: unexpressed feelings may turn to cravings look for healthy nonfood outlets such as finding someone to talk to or a physical activity

Comfort/Longing for Home: In my family popcorn is a big time bonding activity, we have wonderful memories associated with eating it together --"Food is a wonderful tool for bonding with those around you, and sharing a part of you through food is a fun way to do it" -Lindsay Reinholt

Look for healthy alternatives and watch the portion sizes

Unsatisfied in Personal/Professional Life: 

It's important to recognize when life gets out of balance and to exam ourselves with questions regarding the reasons behind our cravings (physical &/or emotional). I tend to think of what I'm going to do and eat after a long hard day as a sort of reward for getting through it. Being sensible in my choices is always important over-indulging in fun food as a sort of emotional spa is not acceptable.

Here are some craving killer go to's:

♡sit with a cup of herbal tea 

♡read

♡start a Blog or journal 

♡text a friend 

♡take a quick walk

♡look out the window and ponder 

♡dance 

♡do an enjoyable activity

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I posted about enjoying the dance and not focusing on the end. At the same time I also share often about visualizing and preparing for upcoming situations. These are not in conflict they work well together as I strive to find a balance.

Tacet Support

I recently went to a Women's Conference where I got some helpful advice. A couple shared some struggles they'd had in the past and how they worked through them. The husband said that for him (and many men) they value "shoulder to shoulder time". He recommended getting involved in what they like to do, just being close-by may help build connection. I have spent the last month being mindful of this: handing my husband tools etc, it's been a sweetly enjoyable time that I plan to continue to make a priority. I've noticed that my husband too shows me support in quiet ways. I've only told him, "I'm taking a break from such-and-such foods" and he gives nod of understanding when I push rice I did not order to the side of my plate or when I don't get fries at a local place that sells extra good ones.

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I love Wasabi peas they have a nice bite of flavor and crunch. I like to make my own snack mix of (1/4 cup total) almonds, peanuts, pumpkin seeds, and Wasabi peas. A wonderful treat I have with club soda sometimes.

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Here's an example of a food dosage: 1 cup of grapes. I eat them throughout the day. Yes they are nutritious but I still need to portion them. 

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I read about a 21 Day Challenge recently. It had to do with chewing your food completely and how most of us under chew which often leads to poor digestion and over eating. I didn't get all the details because you had to "sign-up" but the point seems clear to me. When I think about chewing my food until it's "mush" or "liquid" it really helps me to slow down and savor it.

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Rethinking and New-thinking are challenging. In my job I play a lot of different instruments to help teach my students. I know the basic fingerings of my students' instruments by heart with one important exception: the bass clef baritone. I can make the pitch on trombone (sounds the same) and I can play treble clef baritone because they are the same fingerings as trumpet. I struggle to learn these fingerings as I don't have an extra baritone to practice. Yesterday I was playing trumpet and started reading bass clef to help the low brass hear their part (usually I play trombone to do this). I had to think differently (by doing this I was playing bass clef baritone fingerings on trumpet). It was a real break through for me and a skill I need to practice more but I'm on my way to rethinking the trumpet (baritone). Same thing is happening with this Viceless Year -- I'm learning and practicing how to think differently about food. No more craming my face with mounds of popcorn or heaps of fries to reward and soothe me. I look forward to eating a variety of foods and savoring them instead. I am rethinking about the relationship I have with food and how I need to honor it with respectful dignity.

Dreaming of Toast

Sometimes I have dreams involving regret. When I had long hair I would dream that I cut it when I wasn't considering doing so at the time. Sometimes I dream I've pierced my ears when I have no plans to do so. Another one is that I am pregnant (at 47 with grown kids). Recently I had a dream where I had made a nice breakfast and was enjoying it and then I realized there were bits of toast mixed in. Very irrational, I am not craving toast or any of the things on my 'not eat this year' list. Upon waking up I was both amused and relieved.

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I've been imagining that my eating portions are like prescription dosages. I have had this thought before but am trying to solidify it into my head deeper. I sometimes walk myself through future scenarios and think about what amount of food is sensible. I picture myself a year from now, when I am no longer avoiding my vices entirely, eating small portions of fun foods, such as chips. I will really enjoy a few, once in a while, that's how the relationship works best.

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I bought a neon green t-shirt for $3 a few weeks ago. I didn't try it on in the store, it was cheap and I knew I could at least wear it under a colorful smock I have. When I got home and put it on it was so tight and also very see through. I was very disappointed. Last Sunday I decided to give it a try (with a white tank top underneath) It fit!!!  I felt so great wearing it to church on Sunday and Monday to school.

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I read a post recently from a nutritionist who shared what she ate for a week. I really loved how she made choices to have small treats like half a pumpkin doughnut at the pumpkin patch. She shared what she chose at restaurants and what she picked for snacks.

Here are some of my recent successful food choices:
1) I am LOVING green grapes - they are easy to prepare, they give me a lift when I need an energy boost, they quench my thirst when I need a little something more than water.
2) 1/3 cup of quick (not instant) oatmeal with a sprinkle of salt and 2/3 cup water -- microwave 1 1/2 minutes, add 1 T of peanut butter and 1 cup of frozen fruit (I like blue berries or blackberries. Yummy way to start the day.
3) Today for lunch I had about 2-4 ounces canned pink salmon mixed with one T of Cucumber Ranch and 1/2 of of raw chopped zucchini it was so filling and stayed with me.

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Here are 3 of my September Goals:
1) Stick with my eating plan
2) Take a 5 minute walk a day for pleasure (if I miss a day I do 10 minutes the next day)
3) Forgive myself the same way I forgive others

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More veggies seems to equal less sluggishness, I come home ready to cook most nights these days. I do go to bed early but I am watching less TV than last year at this time. Once in a while I want a 'bigger' meal: this past Wednesday I had some grilled KFC and coleslaw after a long day -- it was delicious.

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Tomorrow is a day full of working Concession Stand I will pack my lunch and some healthy snacks.

Learning to enjoy each moment as it comes:

The Dance

I measured my waist last night it was down 1 1/2" from 2 weeks ago. I question the accuracy of my measuring. I did it twice, feeling the tape around me without pulling it tight. If it had read bigger or the same I would have felt bad, why am I struggling to enjoy and trust the results? I do notice a change in my shirts fitting better, I think I was in denial that my clothes were fitting tighter. Presently results equal clothes fitting rather than becoming looser. I need to be here in the present and not looking ahead to the end. My sister shared an important video recently about life being a dance (rather than a journey that awaits the end), I need to enjoy the moments as they happen. When I dance I'm not considering a place to end  up, I am paying attention to, feeling, and responding to the current rhythm.
Here is the video:

Alan Watts - Why Your Life Is Not A Journey from David Lindberg on Vimeo.

My purpose: focus on gratitude, play along with others, and live in the moment.


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Last Monday I stayed after school to set-up and supervise the Senior concession stand. I was on my feet going up and down halls and standing until about 7:45 when I headed home. When I got up from the chair to head to bed I could barely walk. This is a common occurrence for me after a day like this. There is something about the way I walk when I'm preparing for something that is different from how I use my legs for a walk in the park. Maybe I tense up more, maybe it's the surface of the floor, the stress of the event or some combination of all of these. I have had this in the past (when I'm at a heavier weight) and the only thing that solved it was being at a healthier weight. It's like my legs are telling me, "we weren't meant to carry this much of a load." Currently it lasts all through the night (making for restless sleep) and into the next morning: the first 4-5 steps are next to impossible and then as I walk the stiffness lessens continuing to work itself out as I slowly walk. I am writing this down to document it as one of my current rhythms.


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Last night was good night I made a tacoless taco salad. We ate a little later than usual as I was blogging until about 6 (usually I'm anxious to eat at 4:30). I felt so great having the pleasure of writing to look forward to rather than just the evening meal.  I thought I would have something more later to eat after a lite dinner but I wasn't hungry so I went to bed. I've been getting to bed usually by nine and my stomach is ready for breakfast when I get up at 4-5am. This morning I had my favorite breakfast lately: 2/3 cup of oatmeal, 2 Tablespoons shredded cheddar cheese, covered with an over easy egg along with a half cup of coffee (mixed w/ half-n-half/1 tsp of sugar).

Mean Mirrors and Hoarding

Last night was kind of a fail for me, I ate extra parmigiana cheese after my meal. It's not that I over ate exactly it was the way I was feeling like I was out of control. Is there ever a place for that kind of eating? I'm not sure there's an answer to that question. I've been trying to figure out what happened to lead up to this. I always want to fall back on hormones and that is the 'season' I am currently in: a few days before my cycle when I tend to be interested in massive amounts of fatty carbs and chocolate. I also had a hectic day that led to no time for lunch, I ate part of it after work but being hungry all day was not comfortable. It's hard to get around it because sometimes my work gets in the way of eating. When this happens in the future I need to recognize it and work through it afterwards. I have found that thinking through my future eating ahead of time is a really good way to be prepared so I can aim to avoid stress and binge eating. Here are some important victories from last night: I noticed what I was doing and then I stopped, I switched to and ate some nut mix, I wanted to have some hot chocolate but enjoyed tea with a little honey instead.

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I saw myself in a full length mirror at my hair dressers and I did NOT like what I saw (this was just before the binge fest above). Some mirrors reflect me as bigger than other mirrors. I've also noticed that when I'm hormonal I don't like to look at myself as much. Body image is so complicated. My aim is to NOT focus on size/appearance but I continue to struggle with it often. I AM eating healthy and it turns out that's easier to do than to accept my current size.

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I caught a rerun of Oprah last night about a retired couple whose grown children had contacted Oprah for help with their mom's EXTREME hoarding. I could relate to a lot of the struggles the woman shared (she had a shopping addiction, she loved to find 'deals'). The experts on the show said it was very important for the woman to make her own decisions regarding her stuff and how to sort through it all. I admire her so much, especially the fact that she allowed videos to tape her as she sorted. Her adviser asked her questions and then guided her as she figured out the answers. "How many bins do you need for storing gifts" (she enjoys buying gifts for her loved ones). First she said "8" pause "10" pause "12" then she said "I'm afraid 10 won't be enough" in short her adviser said, "12 leads to... (pointing to her mounds of stuff)". She also talked through her sorting with a psychologist, who helped her discover the roots of her hoarding. I can only imagine the fear she had going through everything and the worry that she would go back to her old ways again after everyone from Oprah left. I have similar fears. I've done this work before, why should this be any different? (negative self-talk but still important to ponder)

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I know slow and steady is important, eating well is important. I love eating these new things I'm not missing French fries or popcorn (this says a lot especially when I'm selling popcorn in the concession stand).

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I went to my husband's staff & family picnic this week. Wonderful choices offered. I filled my plate with many wonderful salads, a little meat, and baked beans. I didn't even have dessert because I was satisfied. Great success!

Accountability

I believe in having someone you can share your goals with, Lindsay encourages it as well in her book Meant to Eat. I have this Blog, Blog comments, and my sisters. Yesterday when I first checked my phone I realized Lindsay Rineholt had included this Blog in her newsletter and shared it on Facebook. A great way to start the day and more accountability, win win!

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I am feeling good lately because I realized I have been looking in the mirror at myself again. I had been sort of mad and ashamed of 'me and my choices' and so was avoiding looking at myself. I didn't like what and who I saw. It feels really good to be on better terms with me.

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I have been discouraged that my clothes aren't getting loose. How can I fit into my capris and yet my jeans feel the same? When I've measured weight-loss in the past it tends to be that I gain and lose all over. Others gain all in the middle. I need to believe in this process and my relationship with food becoming healthy, but it's hard to not be focused on "results". Feeling not size!

A goal achieved!

I wore these denim capris last week to our opening meetings. They are still a bit tight but I couldn't even fasten them in mid-July. Woot woot!

I feel discouraged sometimes as I have never tried to loose weight without getting on the scale and I want my clothes to be looser, it is a slow process. I know in the long run, big picture, the slower the better. I feel great about my food choices and the fact that I'm working on the thought processes I go through as I prepare and partake.

Waste vs. Waste

I was taught to finish my plate and to take less because I could always get more later. I unfortunately translated this into getting lots, finishing, getting more and finishing that too. For some reason the getting more became a challenge similar to that of reaching the spectacular view found at the peak of a strenuous mountain climb. I believe in not wasting food but I have been working on changing the definition. I realized a long time ago that I was wasting food even if I consumed it if I ate something when I was full. I love how Lindsay talks about there being enough food and that we don't need to worry in the same way previous generations did. Not to say we should pile up our trash cans with no thoughts regarding being responsible. Some may argue this issue but I stand firm, none the less, as it is what works for me. Everyone can agree that taking less (even 1/2 as much) as you think you'll eat to start along with noticing when you're satisfied and stopping is a healthy and responsible policy. This morning I put back 1/3 of the oatmeal I dished myself before I even started when I couldn't finish it I saved it in a plastic container for tomorrow. Last night I made broccoli/cauliflower with cheese sauce and ate it very slowly for two reasons: one because it is actually better when it's not too steamy, and 2 because it is very filling and going slow helped me notice when I was done.

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Cravings

Lindsay talks about cravings and their Physical Triggers: Nutrient deficiencies, Lack of sleep, Hormonal changes, Seasonality, Addiction, Survival Instincts, and Restriction. I have been craving "filling up" it's like I'm missing the sensation of being full the way junk food fills you. I ordered Chinese one night this past week and enjoyed filling myself with saucey vegetables and lean meats. I'm sure I had enough sodium and protein for a month and it 'felt' great! Yesterday morning I craved twirling spaghetti (Restriction), it's weird how it wasn't even really the eating as much as it was the twirling. I tend to crave chocolate monthly and that has been the case the last couple of nights, I could say this is hormonal but it's honestly 5% hormonal, 30% stress, 30% addiction, and 35% 'Seasonality'. She Also writes about emotional triggers, I hope to share more on those in a later post.

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A celebration discovery this week is noticing the first bite. For example in the morning I'm hungry and I enjoy making myself a delicious meal of oatmeal w/ peanut butter & fruit or eggs with fruit. I sit down with my meal and I stare at it for a moment and then take the first bite slowly noticing everything that I love about it. It is wonderfully satisfying like the warm greeting of a loved one you haven't seen for a long time. When I pay attention it is a deeply pleasurable moment at each meal.

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Another celebration this is week is that a colleague I don't know very well included me in a group offer to walk with her after work. I jumped at the chance to get to know her better and to be more active. I have been hoping for someone to walk with and I feel this is a blessing from above. We have our first walking date set for tomorrow after work.

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My intentions had a great week with starting school, it really is helping for me to think  and visualize what I'm going to do when I get home. I noticed that I need to eat nuts/seeds after work as they are easy to eat and give me the energy I need at that time of the day. As I shared earlier this week I say often to myself "I'm not going to starve."