Stress vs. Symptoms

 Hello Readers,

Last Sunday I recorded the podcast I mentioned in my last post. It has become more clear to me through the conversation I had with my doctor last Sunday the importance of accepting that circumstances did not cause or trigger my diagnosis or manic episode(s) last year. I was having stress, yes and I was experiencing many major events in my life. However, these events did not cause the symptoms I was having. And, had I known my diagnosis, I probably could have avoided the hospital stay(s) by getting in to see my doctor instead. As an update, for the last few months, I have been stable. I continue to go for regular visits with my team so that I have objective views of how I'm doing. I have been fortunate to find stability so quickly and will celebrate and continue to manage myself as I have shared in previous posts. I recognize in myself that I have developed a fear of stress - I relate stress to my manic behavior last year. With that being said I have some good stress news to share - I have a new job!

I was interviewed and offered the position this week and today I am traveling about an hour away to a small college (roughly 1300 students) in rural Nebraska. I am receiving training to be a supervisor for one of their student teachers next semester. The college is a bit of a drive but I will only be required to make a similar drive five times during the course. The timing couldn't be better since a job that I had last semester for the same amount of hours just finished. I have a lot to learn and it feels a bit overwhelming to see all the paperwork that is involved but the staff has already shown they are excited to have me on board and will be there to support me.

I appreciate you and hope the holidays hold a special meaning of love, joy, peace, and hope.

Thanks for reading.

Stay well,

Amy BH

Recording

 Hello Readers,

My psychiatrist asked me to be a guest on her new developing podcast and we are set to record it this Sunday. Once the taping is edited and uploaded to the internet I will share it with you all but that will be a few weeks from now. 

I love interviews, there is something about having someone come up with questions on a topic and then have another person respond in the moment that really resonates with me. I first realized how much I liked this form of communication during my graduate coursework when we conducted interviews as we learned about qualitative research. Once I did it I knew this was the type of research I wanted to do for my final dissertation. As I look towards Sunday there is one major difference in the interview, I will be on the other side of the questioning.

This week I've been prepping myself a bit and going through the questions that my doctor plans to ask me. Through this prepping process, I've made a conclusion. One of the prompts is what have been some (if any) setbacks? I realized that I am most motivated by not wanting any setbacks I don't want to have to experience another hospital stay again. The fear of a setback leading to another manic episode motivates me to stay in touch with my doctors, stay on my medication, and get plenty of rest. But there is another area of my life that I am continually having setbacks in, eating.

I am really struggling this week as I return to 'normal' eating after the holiday weekend. I am unsure of what I'm eating these days and what to shop for. I don't know if anyone can relate to this but today as I shopped I found myself going up and down the aisles and I didn't know what to put in my cart. I finally made some choices that I knew would work, turkey sandwich meat and some light bread, and checked out. Ugh, I want to consistently enjoy food in a way that is both mentally and physically healthy -- but it's a challenge. Thankfully the weather is super warm today and that has me ready to walk outside and put up Christmas decor two things that both take my mind off of food and lift my spirit.

Gold star this week goes to the candy cane lights I put on the railing of my front porch - they give a red glow at night that is joyous to my soul. 

I appreciate you all so much.

Stay well,

Amy BH

Cracks

Hello Readers,

My sisters and I are reading The Gifts of Imperfection by Brene Brown as a book club. At the end of today's reading Brene stated the following quote “There is a crack in everything, that's how the light gets in” from a song by Leonard Cohen Anthem (Leonard Cohen). I like this positive spin on the tough things in life that may cause us to crack.

This image of a crack made me think of this Japanese meme I saw recently that says,

Kintsugi is the Japanese art of putting broken pottery pieces back together with gold — a metaphor for embracing your flaws and imperfections. “You won't realize your full potential until you go through the tough times,” Kumai says. With that said, Kintsugi takes work and awareness in order for it to truly be healing. If and when we crack the light comes through and we can let it show us the way to healing.

 

Finally, I had my own realization of how this could also relate to climbing up a steep mountain (or living life) and how a climber relies on the cracks to find footing and handles. I relate this to mental health and how when we know where the cracks are in the path we can make adjustments that allow us to find our way to the top. Just like physical health, mental health is important for all of us to be aware of and know what our own unique prescription or path is.

I have been struggling lately with some of my regular physical goals mainly around making good eating choices. I hope to have a better report soon as I know only I am able to decide how I climb this mountain. I hope all of you have a great Thanksgiving.

As always thanks for reading.

Stay well,

Amy BH

Hiding and Remembering

 Dear Readers,

I love celebrating anniversaries, my parents set a great example for marking certain years of their over 50 years of marriage. Some years they would go on trips and one year they even had a ceremony planned to renew their vows and exchange new wedding bands. I am finding it difficult this year to process certain things as we move into the Christmas season. The sound of holiday songs, for example, reminds me of difficulties I was facing a year ago. My first instinct is to hide but instead, I will try to celebrate all that has been accomplished in a year.

Hiding from posting is what I did last week but this week I am feeling much better. I learned from Gretchen Rubin that it is common for people with my tendency as an obliger (Four Tendencies: upholder, rebel, obliger, questioner) to sometimes deny themselves what brings them joy. I do this! One reason I know that writing & blogging brings me joy is that I lose track of time doing it, and yet I often drag myself to the computer having trouble getting started. Does this make sense? Can anyone relate to this? I do the same with listening to music that brings me joy, I don't do it. This leads me to the Gold Star of the week -- 

Gold Star to musician Jake Wesley Rogers with thanks to Brene Brown for introducing me. His lyrics are deep and relatable while his music is both sensitive and head slamming. In the interview with BB, he won me over with his intelligence attached to a gentle, kind, and humble spirit. (His songs and manner give off a bit of an Elton John vibe.) Below are two of his songs. Warning - language 

Pluto (Hate On Me)

Middle of Love

Stay well!

Thanks for reading,

Amy BH

Late Diagnosis

Hello Readers -- today's post is a little glimpse of some personal 'stuff' I've been remembering and sorting through lately. It is a bit of my personal story from the last year.

I have a mental illness that typically gets diagnosed much earlier in life. I am learning to accept this diagnosis. It is not simply an episode(s) I had after a few weeks of stress. I have to admit that sometimes even after several months of knowing what it is in the back of my mind, I keep thinking how could two off days that led to hospital stays mean I now have a chronic mental illness? Thankfully I've read portions of a book entitled The Bi-Polar Survival Guide What You and Your Family Need to Know by David J. Miklowitz Ph.D. This book convinced me that I did not want to waste time being in denial as almost every example in the book seemed to do. I could relate to many of the examples of mortifying incidents such as running away in the night. I saw that when each example took a road of denial they fell back into some kind of danger. 

I believe it is important to be able to recognize when an episode is creeping up. I know for me I wish I had known what was happening when we had our annual concert in December of 2020. I remember that day and after school feeling like I was on some sort of autopilot while the world around me was some sort of roller coaster. No one asked me how I was or why I was different than usual. As I read others' reactions (or lack thereof) I seemed to be the same old me. We were wearing masks so maybe that was why no one knew that underneath I was scared and struggling. 

If you can relate to these feelings or if you're feeling overwhelmed it is ok to reach out for help from a friend, family member, or doctor. I wish I would have known how to do that sooner but I am very grateful now to be getting the care I need from a great team.

This week's gold star goes to - my nurse Lindsey who encouraged me today.

Thanks for reading.

Stay Well,

Amy BH

Staying Balanced Means You Keep Moving

Yoga Balancing and A Balanced Diet -- the two are very similar. Small corrections are easier to manage for me than big ones. SaraBethYoga says falling happens, what's important is that I get back up every time. Last week I shared my plan to look at what I could control and that I was going to make some snack changes while continuing my extra walking. These small changes have paid off and I am thankfully seeing and feeling some good results. I'm feeling more energized and the scale went down a couple of pounds. It helped that I also watched the video I share below.

Turn Off the Emergency Brake -- I did a deep dive last week on some of my posts from a few years ago and I came across the post where I had shared the video How to Stop Screwing Yourself Over - Mel Robbins (YouTube). Rewatching this video got me fired up to stop thinking and start acting. Here are some highlights:

• It's simple to get what you want (but not easy)

• Force yourself --anything that's a break from routine

• Autopilot vs emergency brake -- we like autopilot 

• If you feel stuck in your life it's a signal that one of your most basic needs is not being met  

• Stop feeling and start doing!!!!!!! Take the impulse and do it!! -- (note to self: stop pulling the emergency brake!)

• The 5-second rule -- marry the impulse right away with an action -- or it will be killed

Both balancing and doing something when you feel stuck or scared involve adjustments and choices. On The Happier Podcast this week (Episode 348) Gretchen and Elizabeth talked about how actors make choices all the time regarding how they are going to play a part. "I made a choice to" is a common part of the dialogue used when on stage or filming TV/Movies. Making a bold choice requires bravery such as using an unusual accent or singing the line. Daily I and dare I make the bold choice to say we all make choices. We decide if we're even going to notice we're making them. Today I decided to notice the time when I was getting ready for the day and how that actually is an enjoyable but often unnoticed time. Much like in Yoga I decide what I am going to notice and what adjustments I am going to make. I encourage myself and all of us to get up every time, turn off the emergency brake, and do the thing (only you know what it is!). 

Gold Star of the Week goes to -- The autumn leaves in the park behind my house.

As always thanks for reading.
Stay Well,
Amy BH

Circumstances

Hello Readers,

As I listened and walked through this past week I noted different ways I could view my circumstance. Day Seventy-Nine of 100 Days to Brave reminded me that I am bravely blazing a trail. Without going into too much detail I find myself at a sort of crossroad of life where currently the stoplight is broken and not flashing. I have no control over this stop in traffic and I have no idea how long I will be at this intersection or which way I am going next. I can stay busy but only in my car. Day Eighty of the same book reminded me to be a brave steward. Going back to the car metaphor I can't control what's on the outside but I can control what I do with the things on the inside of the car. This reading challenged me to be a responsible steward of my time and health. Lately, I've been better at using my time as I made a schedule for how to spend my day(s) but what about my health?

To be brutally honest my eating lately has been unhealthy and the pounds are creeping up. After listening to Episode 347 of the podcast Happier with Gretchen Rubin I was struck by something their guest Dr. Maya Shanker said she had to do when she found out she could no longer pursue the violin as a career (due to a playing injury). Maya shared that she realized what she liked most about playing the violin was the instant connection she felt with other people as she played. This is a bit of a stretch but I related to Maya in that I lately can't seem to get back to the motivation I had during my 2020  weight loss. As I reflected on what had motivated me during that time, I remembered that one of the things was that I pictured myself at a healthy weight as I finished up my degree. I wondered if there was a way I could create a similar motivation in my current circumstance.

I don't know when or where my circumstances may lead but I do know that I'm going there with this body. I also know that new circumstances can be stressful and that I feel more confident when I am not carrying around 10-30 extra pounds. That's it! that is the motivation, that is both what I can control and is a way I can be a good steward.

Anyone who has read this blog knows I have constant battles with weight fluctuations. This time my plan is to turn this around before it goes any further. Dani Spies (Clean & Delicious) says on repeat to pick one sustainable thing at a time and make it a habit. Then you can add something else when you're ready. For two weeks I have walked 30 minutes Monday through Thursday on top of all my regular walks. Today I decided I was ready to add only allowing healthy snacks during the day in other words I can only eat a snack if most of it is fruit or vegetable and then part of it may be measured peanut butter or yogurt. My sister reminded me that at our favorite weight loss app they call this act crossing the threshold and accepting the call to adventure. Onward and downward!

Gold Star this week -- my sisters who inspire me with their weight maintenance/loss success!

Thanks for reading.

Stay well,

Amy BH

 circumstances like waiting to get married/have children I have no control

bug or feature 

walking more in the sunshine

instead of noting what I like note what that brings to me --- violin brings connection with her audience instead of noting that during the pandemic I was motivated and able to lose weight I am remembering what was my motivation. It was that I pictured myself finishing my degree confident and at a healthy size. Writing makes me want to snack. 

Ordinary World

Call to Adventure (Seeing the scale, and how my clothes fit, and how I looked in the mirror, and how I was feeling)

Refuse the Call

Meeting the Mentor (This is what Amy was for me when she invited us to check-in)

Crossing the Threshold (when I decided to get serious - my first Noom subscription)

Tests, Allies, and Enemies 

Approaching your Inmost cave (COVID created)

Facing your supreme ordeal 

Seizing your sword (in process)

The road to your new normal (looking forward to finding it!)

Returning with the elixir (looking forward to finding this too! 

[New] Ordinary World

While in the struggle digging deep and doing it!

Small steps to reach goals something sustainable (Dani Spies on repeat)

Contentment in the Present

Each day has its own potential both in attitude and activity. This week I decided to approach the week as though I was in training. Monday through Thursday I set out to track what I ate on a phone app and to walk extra minutes in the morning and afternoon. I struggle with how much to focus on the big picture goals versus the present tasks. This week I focused a lot on the present. This was a good exercise in contentment. There are many hopes I have for the future and I say these hopes out loud as they come to mind and then bring myself back to the present.

Thanks for reading.

Stay Well,

AmyBH

Five Things I Want My Blog To Be Known For - Honest Curious Creative Eclectic Relatable

Introduction - My rose plant this week grounded me with some thoughts I have had regarding the importance of discipline and play. While I need to be disciplined I also need to find what I enjoy, look for it, and do it more. As I looked at my rose plant this week in the front yard I noticed it had many blooms budding. Once the flowers are fully open the roses barely last a day as they are detached by the slightest wind. If I'm not paying attention I will miss them completely. I will give myself a gold star when I catch myself looking to find the beauty in the moments as they come. Here are my eclectic honest curious thoughts that I hope you find relatable --

 Monday - Read 100 Days to Brave (Annie F. Downs) about discipline and decided to use my red slacks that I've been avoiding as a measuring stick for future progress. This week red slacks were TIGHT I could fasten them BARELY.

Tuesday - Met with the psychiatrist I mentioned to her about being bored and having low energy and she suggested paying attention to what are positive things and stick to them more. The doctor also suggested doing more active exercise to help with weight gain and help with mood. Very timely the daily 100 Days reading was on play and how important it is. Thankfully I have an outlet to play my flute which is a real blessing I was able to experience first hand when I performed at a small concert in the evening. For the first time, I can remember I was able to relax and trust myself to enjoy playing the music without doubting myself. I also enjoy playing with my cat.

Wednesday - Crystal Ellefsen a guest on Ep. #45 of the podcast Happier with Gretchen Rubin discussed developing the Top 5 things one wants to be known for I am applying this to myself as a Blogger (see Blog Title, what do you think?). Later I watched a video JOHN GREEN on #NotTooDeep // Grace Helbig where when discussing mental health they listed being radically honest and earnest. I like the idea of making connections with my life and weaving that with curiosity and wonder. 

  Thursday - Met with my counselor today and he encouraged me to aim for self-acceptance  - when the negative thoughts come into my head. I had shared the example of a morning where I worked from 7:30-11am and decided to watch an episode of Seinfeld and noticed I was feeling guilty about it. My counselor said there are different types of busy and I need to prepare for the inner voice and there is no reason to let worry and fear regulate my life. I am realizing that I do have fears associated with life, things I'm not proud of that are out of my control. In the following podcast, John Green lists and reflects on modifications of his life both with humor and bravery. John Green Mortification https://www.wnycstudios.org/podcasts/anthropocene-reviewed/episodes/anthropocene-reviewed-mortification-civilization  Demerits when I hold on to thoughts about not being who I think I should be.

I wonder what you think about discipline and play do you struggle with one more than the other? I imagine someone into sports might find it easy to combine the two. As a musician, I have trouble separating them as well. As always I appreciate any questions or thoughts as you may feel comfortable sharing in the comments.

Thanks for reading.

Stay well,

Amy BH

Mercy Year

Monday - I read in The Happiness Project (Gretchen Rubin) page 146 about ways she found that she could be generous: help people think big, bring people together, contribute in my way, and cut people slack. Day 67 of 100 Days to Brave (Annie F. Downs) encouraged me to stick with it whatever 'it' may be. I am learning to be content with less to do and having a slower pace, sitting with a book and reading it slowly. So much of what these two ladies say resonates with me. Contribute in my way which right now means protecting my time while being careful not to isolate too much is a puzzling line to draw. I often find my mind is sloshing back and forth between telling myself it is ok to be still and it's time to get off the couch. Figuring out the new schedule is tricky but I am grateful for the chance to try.

Tuesday - After listening to the When Strengths Become Weaknesses WorkLife with Adam Grant podcast I came up with a new description of this weekly blog (see below). Adam Grant specifically helped me with the idea of using strengths intelligently. He shared a story about how his analytical mind that is paired with the skill of winning people over was not being used well.  At the end of the story, the student who needed his help with a career decision called him a logic bully. She helped him to understand that she wanted to own her decision and he had overwhelmed her with so many rational thoughts she now could not make up her own mind. I have heard it said how strengths can be used to the point of weakness but I like this idea of keeping in mind how I am using my strengths well and being intelligent about them. Strengths not used intelligently can become out of balance. Other examples are being so empathetic you get taken advantage of or being such a good listening you never get heard. 

Wednesday - Regularly in my morning commute on country roads I used to drive in thick fog. It was difficult and scary but at least I knew the general idea of what was ahead and where I was going to end up. Lately, I feel like a fraud that somehow I've managed to fool those who think they know me into thinking I'm a productive and caring person when today I have mismanaged my time and mostly only thought of myself. I also feel like I'm getting through a time of life that reminds me of driving in a fog as I have a very limited view of what is ahead and sometimes this makes me feel insecure and unsure of what to do in the present. The fog is regarding my health and my career. Some may say I'm brave for walking at all but on days like today I just feel stuck, unmotivated, and so I eat and sleep and mutter to myself "I don't want to dust and clean". I don't want to do THAT chore why should I? 

Thursday - As I listened to Happier with Gretchen Rubin (podcast episode 344) I was struck by an aspect of the structure she and her sister Liz Craft have of assigning demerits and gold stars. As the women set intentions for themselves they review life with gold stars or demerits as a way to encourage and/or reset when necessary. Sometimes they give out the evaluations to someone else I want to implement this practice in my own life. Another topic that came up was the idea of Mercy Week. A week at the beginning of the school year (or any other stressful time could apply) when you allow for some things to slide as you are adjusting to the newness or whatever stress may apply. The example given was allowing tardies to young students who are adjusting to a new school for the first week as they are learning the way around the halls. I decided to allow myself a Mercy Year -- within reason. I need to build parameters, but I think this will help me cope with the foggy days. I still need help with what to do about my stubbornness when it comes to unpleasant chores that I could do such as dusting and cleaning out cupboards.  I shall plan to think on that for next week's Blog and share my intentions with you then. 

This week in Memes:

Confusion comes before Clarity

Struggle comes before Success

Frustration comes before Fulfillment

@drganatra (Instagram via my cousin Nancy)

New Blog Description as written in my Blog Settings (a work in progress):

My thoughts on life as I engage with and react to the world (YouTube, Netflix, Readings, Podcasts, Memes, books, etc). Furthermore, the weekly posts will include my thoughts as I aim to find life balance as I continually discover ways to ignite my strengths intelligently. Finally, I desire to intentionally strive to build connections as I invite others to join me so I may gain insights from their unique strengths in return. 

Gold Star this week -- Best class this morning for the semester all students were engaged and collaborating!

Demerit -- overeating to point that the scale has skyrocketed 

Thanks for reading,
Stay Well,
AmyBH

Humble Beginnings

 Monday -- Went to the Library and renewed the book The Happiness Project by Gretchen Rubin. I also sent an email to my husband with the links for ordering this book and The Gifts of Imperfection by Brene Brown for my birthday later this month.

Tuesday -- As a way to wish myself a happy birthday this month, I went to the grocery store and bought (along with other normal groceries for the week) a box of german chocolate cake mix and the ingredients for homemade 'icing' for the cake (minus the pecans). That afternoon I baked, cooled, cut into roughly 24 pieces, iced, and froze separately. I also ate icing and at least 2 pieces -- I was very full of cake. 

Wednesday -- Took many breaks and came up with every excuse in the book to eat the pieces of cake (15-30 seconds in the microwave!). By the afternoon when I tried to read I was overcome with the need for naps instead. Once the cat was on my lap it was pretty much a nap free-for-all-- not my finest hours.

Thursday -- Listened to the podcast episode #301 Dear Hank and John (while showering/cleaning/walking) and was struck by their discussion from a listener question regarding the use of the phrase "I feel so humbled" when receiving an honor of some sort. This reminded me of a discussion my daughter and I had over something that happened in my life. 

Seven years ago I set out with an idea to start a community band and now that band exists without me. I mentioned that I felt humbled by this. My daughter was confused, wouldn't I feel the opposite because MY idea had been so well received it gained its own momentum? To explain I stated that I felt like I was a small player in a much greater 'scheme' of the universe and therefore I felt small in comparison. If you listen to the silly podcase above you will note that Hank and John continue to go back to the bit of poking fun at the use of the word humble throughout the episode and while I too find it amusing I also find the word very profound. 

In Season/Series 6 Episode 8 of Call the Midwife (spoiler alert) I was brought to tears over the storyteller's subtle way of using humility in the character Phyllis. In one moment seasoned elder Nurse Phyllis is humbled when her fellow midwife/friend does not choose Nurse Phyllis to care for her. Then, a few scenes later, we see her humbled again when with a much younger fellow midwife Barbara. Barbara chooses 'friend' (and roommate) Phyllis to stand up with her when she gets married. Phyllis was so taken back she came up with reasons why her young roommate should choose one of her friends. Barbara said I am --- I'm choosing you. How can Phyllis be humble in both of these instances?

Does the word humble fit both of these? I believe yes it does. Phyllis was brought lower when she thought she would be chosen and she felt lower when she thought she shouldn't be chosen. 

I am humbled on days I eat cake and nap and I am humbled when I have the energy to write and clean. I struggle and am humbled on Mondays when I have no ideas flowing for my Friday class and I am humbled when the idea comes and it seems so obvious. I am humbled by the idea of sharing my thoughts beyond my normal readership (close family) what would others say? would they be interested? would it touch a nerve or, better still, soothe one? 

Are there any examples you have regarding the unique use of the word humble? Maybe there is another word you've noticed that seems to contradict itself and yet holds true?

Thanks for reading,

Stay Well,

AmyBH

Hope

 

Positive Thought Cycle  

I am learning and growing at all times yes there are waves, but I am a teachable vessel. My teachability requires me to do new things and because I take risks I continue to make slips. Part of my teachability is shown when I own these slips, get up, and try again. I aim to notice the victories as well and give myself credit with each task checked off. I don't have to like the backsliding or the lazy sad days of unproductive self but I also don't have to wallow in self-pity. I choose the way I narrate my story, and what my next steps will be.

Downton Brought Me Upton 😉

I've been reframing my should talk into asking myself 'why do I think this?' or making positive statements such as I feel better when I _________. I realized that I like to work then play or better put I like to create then relax. To me the ultimate relaxing is watching a movie or video. This renews me. Lately, it has manifested itself in creating/working at preparations for my two new to me courses then in the evenings and weekends I've been binge-watching Downton Abby. This pattern and knowledge of it have brought my soul up and given me direction during the day in a way that I haven't felt in a while.

Hope for Today 

Today I read 100 Days to Brave -Day Fifty-Seven.  In this entry, Annie F. Downs challenged me to hold on to hope or in other words, hopelessness is not my story. -- Even though my current position or status is new and I'm awkward at it I hold on to the hope that I can do it and that I'll get better with practice. I choose to hope. Is there someone you trust that you can tell them if you are barely holding on?  Reach out to someone close to you and share your hope whether you are feeling sure-footed or if you are barely holding on. Below is the link to
a song that brings a message of encouragement.

Hold Onto Hope Love  -- song by Amy Stroup

Thanks for reading.

Stay well,

AmyBH

Fly Like an Eagle

August 3

As the lyrics go time keeps on slipping into the future -- am I wasting it? last week at my counselor visit I heard myself saying this and also taking note that I am afraid that I am wasting time and yet at the same time I don't think having fun or resting are a waste of time. 

Making Goals to drive my days/weeks/months ahead

I really stepped out (bravely?) to quit my job it bothers me that I don't contribute financially and yet I have no desire to do more than the bare minimum when it comes to house cleaning which makes me feel ashamed.

What do I want to do? (nothing) is that really true? I do enjoy relaxing and watching videos but mostly the satisfaction of that is after I have accomplished something for the day and have 'earned' it. 

I don't have a hobby or activity I want to do to drive my day  -- I like to write for myself and I don't mind sharing especially when it comes to reflecting on myself as I navigate the world.  

August 22

Have you ever been burned out and not even realized it until you heard someone say something you used to say? Or maybe they brought a breath of fresh air to a room and suddenly you realized the room needed freshening because of the funk you were in?

Currently, I have 2 part-time jobs one is a one-credit face-to-face class for freshman education majors where I am the teacher and the other is one where I am an assistant teacher for an online graduate course where the students are teachers in various fields working on their master's degree. In short, I have students who are at both ends of the spectrum and are all very inspiring in their own way. We just finished the first week and that means we've only had time for introductions but I found all of them to be very uplifting and good for my soul. Each in their own way showed examples of wholehearted living. The freshman because they are stepping into the great unknown and are willing to explore and be brave with people and things they don't know. The graduate students because they have plans that require them to do more than just enough to get by. 

I'm about halfway through reading Brene Brown's The Gifts of Imperfection -- where she addresses wholehearted living. The wholehearted life requires paying attention and being authentic, keeping in mind that these are both daily decisions that take practice. I'm beginning my practice. How about you?

What lifts your soul? what feeds you? 

Thanks for reading,

Stay well,

AmyB 

Thorn in my Flesh

2 Corinthians 12:9-10

 9 And He said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for My strength is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore most gladly I will rather boast in my infirmities, that the power of Christ may rest upon me. 10 Therefore I take pleasure in infirmities [thorns in my flesh], in reproaches, in needs, in persecutions, in distresses, for Christ’s sake. For when I am weak, then I am strong.

My interpretation of what Paul writes above is his acceptance of his own shortcomings and how they direct him away from conceit but rather towards humility. Ruminating on certain regrets of my own or misinterpretations of what others said or I think they thought is a thorn in my flesh. These thoughts clutter my brain and can chain me down. Recently I found myself in this cycle and I got help. The first was in the form of a great visit and new medication from my psychiatrist to help me sleep better and the second was a couple of people listening to me with empathy (a nurse and a counselor). I am not alone (PS -- you are not alone either).

I am learning to look for signs so that I can get help when I need it. At the same time, I am also learning to accept my 'infirmities'. Yesterday I had an interview and I was considering a job and its many fun challenges even though it came with a long commute. As more time passed and I struggled to sleep I started to realize how much I would give up if I took the job (not even knowing if I had a chance to be chosen from several candidates). In the morning it became clear to me to inform the employer that I was no longer interested. 

I am relearning to trust God the big force in my life that keeps me humble, fearful, and at peace.  I am reading a devotional called 100 Days to Brave -Annie F. Downs yesterday she challenged me to make a list of my calling and a list of my dreams. I believe my calling is to listen to those I encounter each day and when prompted to share hope and peace. In all things turning to God first in all I do (I have a habit of using Him as a last resort). Some of my dreams include: to teach at a college, to be a mentor to young college women in the midst of figuring out stuff, to share my thoughts through Blogging/Vlogging regarding mental health and overall wellness.

I will close here -- I would love to hear about your thorns, calling, and/or dreams in the comments.

Thanks for reading.

Stay Well,

AmyBHaddock

Curious not Critical

 

I am becoming a person who is always curious about myself.  I am willing to be kind, patient and compassionate, and will ask for help when needed.  I understand the power of stepping outside of my comfort zone and am committed to doing the recommended exercises and practices.

 -----Dani Spies (The Don't Diet)

The above statement is what I was required to say to myself as I began The Don't Diet. I will list below some other gems that I am thinking over as I finish out Week 5 of the course:

• Be present while eating.
• Hunger cues reach my brain from my body similar to the signals I might have when in pain from something like cold weather. It is helpful to eat and is enjoyable. I need to eat, food helps my body to feel good and to be healthy. Hunger cues are not the same as Feelings/Emotions.
• Be curious about feelings in general -- the definition of Feeling/Emotion -- the vibration in my body caused by a sentence in your/my mind -Dani Spies
• Stress lowers my body's ability to digest.
• Look for/notice and increase the pleasure of eating while eating.
• Three ways to relax into eating: Breath deliberately/rhythmically, Chew more, Slow down the pace.
• Before eating realize "I'm going to eat soon" and take 5-10 long breaths.
• Make changes slowly start with one meal.
• Emotional eating --celebrating an occasion falls in this category and is not 'wrong' ie: some emotional reasons for eating are encouraged and wonderful.
• Three things to do with feelings: React/Resist or hopefully --- Allow
• Learn to digest and sit with feelings to be present with them, and make room for them
• How to feel feelings: Pause, Identify, Acknowledge, Describe, Allow take deep breaths and think/say to self that (feeling) won't hurt me...eating _____ won't help....slow down, is eating that worth ____ will my feeling still be there when I'm done along with guilt and shame? 

Thanks for readig.

Stay well,

Amy BH

Mental, Physical, and Spiritual Health Updates

In my last post, I described the physical environment at a mental health facility where I recently spent a long weekend. During my stay there I had the opportunity to reflect on my mental health. On my first real day which began after about 18 hours of sleep, I did not notice the photos along the wall. On my second day, Jonny another resident pointed them out. Looking and pondering each one brought me peace and helped me to feel connections to the outside world at a time when I felt unheard, alone, and misunderstood. Each was uplifting to my soul and allowed a way to converse with others in a meaningful way without going below the surface to places that did not need to be shared in this setting.

While at the facility I went to sessions on topics such as Yoga, setting boundaries, and other similar topics that were to guide me in the days ahead. Once it was time for me to leave the facility I had gotten some much-needed rest, was well fed, and had new medication all of which gave me a feeling of hope and renewal. That along with so many loved ones that support and love me I have continued on the road to recovery. With love and peace, I share the gallery of mental health once more.

Gallery of Mental Health Photos 

These color photos were along the same wall where the patients' doors. There are no people in any of the photos. At the time of my stay, I wrote down details regarding each one to be sure I would remember each one.

1) Wildflowers mostly that's all it is but, if when I looked closer I noticed a rusted red wagon much like one I used as a kid. Also an old chair much like the decor of the outside wedding my daughter was in at the bride's family home in the country in Nebraska. 

2) Convertible Sportscar looking from the view from behind and between the driver and the front passenger empty seats. You can fully see the dash and windshield and some of the hood.

3) Squirrel looking straight out at us.

4) Rustic Ocean Dock fog in the air and ice in the water.

5) Colorful Hot Air Balloons -- 9 of them (one is Wonder Bread) over a wheat field.

6) Baby Elephant and Mama Elephant mom's trunk guides the young one to the watering hole.

7) Colorful Butterfly on a curling yellow dandelion. 

8) Single White Dandelion with half the fluff blown off.

9) Young Red Fox in the woods looking towards us. 

Week 3 of THE DON'T DIET  

Dani points out that in order for changes to be sustainable they should also be pleasurable. For example, as I incorporate eating more vegetables and fruits instead of forcing them on myself I will choose the ones I enjoy.

James 2:1-7 

James warns against choosing to uplift one person over another based on their appearance/status. I am challenged to keep an eye out for my own bias while also opening my eyes to ways I fall into the trap accept/ignore the bias of others. 

Thanks for reading.

Stay well,

Amy BH

Enneagram 4 - THE D D week 1 - James 1

 Hello Readers,

The Enneagram Link to Diagram 

I identify as a Four according to The Enneagram. One key way that I notice my Four-ness is that tend to be overly concerned with wasting time. I can get anxious or stressed if I think mine or someone else's time is not being valued. Knowing and recognizing this in myself has been very helpful so that I can communicate my need for boundaries.Yoga has also helped me as I work towards being mindful in the present moment on and off the mat.

THE DON'T DIET 

I have officially started this 7-week course with the teacher guding us to speak out loud a statement that says we will be kind and curious instead of critical. I am working on an exact way to state my goal for the course and will plan to share in a future post.

James 1

James 1:19 -- "...Everyone should be quick to listen, slow to speak and slow to become angry."  -I am using this verse to remind me as I step on my mat to be present when doing Yoga and in other areas of my life.

Thanks for reading.

Stay well,

AmyBH

This week I will close with a gallery walk of descriptions of large colorful photos (dimensions roughly 3' x 4' wide) I saw in my recent stay in the hospital. These color photos were along the wall where the doors to the patient were. The nurses station and two gathering spaces were across along the other side of the hall. No people in any of the photos all are encouraging and hopeful and joyous in their own way.

Gallery of Photos 

1) Wildflowers mostly that's all it is but, if when Iook closer I noticed a rusted redwagon much like one I used as a kid. Also an old chair much like the decor of the outside wedding my daughter was in at the bride's family home in the country in Nebraska. 

2) Convertible Sportscar looking from the view from behind and between the driver and the front passenger empty seats. You can fully see the dash and windshield and some of the hood.

3) Squirrel looking straight out at us.

4) Rustic Ocean Dock fog in the air and ice in the water.

5) Colorful Hot Air Balloons -- 9 of them (one is Wonder Bread) over a wheat field.

6) Baby Elephant and Mama Elephant  mom's trunk guides the young one to the watering hole.

7) Colorful Butterfly on a curling yellow dandeloin. 

8) Single White Dandelion with half the fluff blown off.

9) Young Red Fox in the woods looking towards the us. 

Happy 2021 -- part two -- before/during/after photos as requested/promised

BEFORE/DURING/AFTER

Happy 2021 Readers!

Common Sense Tips

The below list is based on things that were modeled to me as a child and what I've learned since establishing a home of my own. One reason I started this list is that, while doing some extra sorting and cleaning during my recent Christmas break, I noticed a few habits I have. Additionally, my husband and I are in the process of establishing a room in our home and so we've been rearranging some furniture. The repurposed room will soon be an office/bedroom space that used to be my son's room when he lived with us. If by any chance you feel inspired please share your tips. One last thought, I'm currently experimenting with salad preparation mostly centered around ways to prep lettuce ahead and using a salad spinner so that I can efficiently make side salads something we have on a regular basis.

• set things out ahead, in other words, make a big task into many smaller ones 
• stay in one room until the task is done 
• dressing for the snow/wind/very cold temperatures: long johns tucked in, socks, warm pants, sweatshirt, outer gear such as coat, gloves hat, scarf 
• keep things somewhat spaced out and in groupings according to how they are used ie  "Don't crowd me kid!" -HNB
• being organized is often safer and always helpful when you are in a rush

Upcoming Blog Themes 

My goal is to post about twice a month using the following sources as my inspiration:

• Mind The Road Back to You (The Enneagram) Ian Morgan Cronn and Suzanne Stabile
• Body The Don't Diet  Dani Spies 
• Spirit  Mercy Triumphs (James)  Beth Moore and Melissa Moore Fitzpatrick

Stay well.

Thanks for reading,

AmyBHaddock