Cooking on a Friday night is a sort of obstacle for me. Last night I managed to get a few errands done after work and in my mind I was going to either go out for dinner or order take out. When I got home my husband was settled in for the evening and I realized it would actually be easier to just make something. This may not seem like a big deal but for me it is the new thoughts and increased energy that are big. I have this tendancy to feel entitled after a work week and my entitlement is usually fulfilled by consuming junk food. There are healthy takeout choices to be made but none as ideal as what I can make for myself. I also love it when I find myself with energy to spare after work. It's funny how I have more ambition on Friday than Monday, it's a matter of perspective. I see Fridays as being an accomplishment while Mondays feel like an insurmountable obstacle. Similarly this year of Viceless-ness can be viewed as either a long way to go or a challenging yet enjoyable new dance with unpredictable rhythms that provide risks that may lead to initial failures and hopefully continue into ultimate victories. I decide what I moves I use to respond to these rhythms for each day, each moment, and each circumstance.
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Last night and this morning I reread most of this Blog. I haven't been revisiting my intentions and goals on a daily basis anymore. Daily reading them is not necessary, once every 2 weeks will suffice. One of my intentions was that I would need to revise my intentions as time passes and this has been proven to be the case here.
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My October Goals:
*Continue with my eating plan
*Increase my daily walks from 5 to 15 minutes a day (when I miss a day I walk double the next)
--the September goal of walking 5 minutes a day has been good mentally for me more than physically, a nice way to change up the usual evening chair slumping. I also noticed I usually ended up walking 10 minutes.
*Keep up with my Blogging goal of posting at least once a week. Readers: if I go past 9 days without explanation I may need some encouragement.
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Late snacks when I arrive home after 9pm are going well. I am not eating popcorn but I do enjoy Wasabi peas 1/4 to 1\2 cup along with some soy nuts or pumpkin seeds and herbal tea. I think about this choice and amounts ahead of time so I'm not picking at stuff as I decide. In some ways food is a reward for working late but more importantly it is necessary to eat or I will wake up in the night very hungry.
There have been many evenings recently that I know I would've eaten gross amounts of popcorn had my mind not already been set. Those ways need to be a thing of the past and not a stress of the present or future (ie: stop letting negative self-talk creep in and try to say "you're gonna do it again once the year is up etc.")
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I went to Freddy's last Saturday with a few choir students and my work BFF music co-teacher. The menu was tough to navigate. I haven't told anyone about this eating thing at work (in general few people know or have realized). I could have just gone with ice cream, then I saw a bowl of chili was an option. I was nervous about spilling it on me but decided to go for it. There was a comment about getting something other than a steakburger since that's what the place is known for and I said something like, "I do what I do." I ate slowly and didn't spill a drop on me.
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I tried to measure myself last night 3 times with 3 different, and not pleasing, results. I am going to give up measuring myself for now. My pants are fitting better, the end.
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My thoughts on clothes (specifically pants) fitting is there are variatons on what fit means.
On one end there is -- panic at the thought of them even touching the dryer for fear of any shrinkage
While on the other end is -- boy these sure are loose I need to be sure to stick them in the dryer to fit better
Between those two extremes are less panic and less concern about looseness.
The next level would be starting over with another size of pants (bigger or smaller as the case may be).
In order for me to use clothes fitting as my true guide on how healthy I am feeling I need to honestly realize where I am on this spectrum while I continually examine the choices I'm making.
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As previously mentioned an acquaintance of mine said to me after a recent weight loss, "maybe you'll keep the weight off this time Amy" these words haunt me. She has no idea how this came across and I am not in a position to tell her. I saw her yesterday, she works part-time at the grocery store handing out food samples (I know, right?). I have got to comes to terms with this becaue my instinct was to run and this is only hurting me. I am working on how I am going to respond and greet her the next time I see her. As my suster Leslie wisely noted recently regarding forgiveness in general "I need to put it down and stop carrying it around" I feel ugly even as I write about it and yet I feel it is important to do so. I am going to attempt to be thankful for this person's comment being a driving force behind the main theme of this Blog. My success is now, my daily choices to be healthy and to build a healthy relationship with food.
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