Pictures

Seeing myself in the mirror is so different from a photo. I'm not sure what it is exactly but photos can be discouraging. I own who I am but for a moment, when I first see it, I cringe. I used to not be able to look at certain photos at all but I am growning to appreciate all of the different views of me.

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Eating and PMS and being a woman and all that nonsense amaze me. I remember Oprah sharing when she was getting close to/starting menopause that she was celebrating each monthly cycle as she would a close friend. I love the show King of the Hill the simple lessons the characters learn each episode are funny and enlightening. One of my favorite episodes is Aisle 8A when Connie gets her period while staying with the Hills, Hank has to take her to the store (and whatnot). Later Connie and her mom have this conversation:

MINH: Kahn Jr., you have PMS. It's hard, but very easy to understand. You just yell and yell, or you just cry and cry. 
CONNIE: But it feels like I'm doing both of those at the same time. 
MINH: Connie, you feel things more now. Makes sad movies truly excellent. You see Titanic on the right day, it blow you away.

This is so true for me, at times I am angry/raging but more often I am deeply moved by things like gratitude, humor, and the thoughtfulness of others. It's hard to curve the cravings I get for certain foods during these hormonal episodes. However, I love how they eventually subside like the changing of the seasons.

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My 15 minute daily walks have been a true blessing this month. I often get home and head right out so that I can be sure to get my walk in before the evening squeezes it out. Sometimes I walk around the town where I work. One afternoon this past week my work buddy needed to vent a bit so I walked her to her car which was on the opposite side of our small campus. I told her I was counting it as the beginning of my walk so she could meet up with her daughters who were waiting on her. It was a win win situation because then she didn't feel bad about me going out of my way.

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November Goals (Intentions)

1) continue with eating plan

2)15 minute daily walk for pleasure

3) 1 minute daily plank (will need to build up to this)

100 Days!

Today marks 100 Days since July 13th!

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Mindful eating (and living) is a wonderful complicated challenge. There are times when there is a raging battle of whether or not to eat this or to have another handful of that. As hard as the battle is this is actually progress over the times when I suppress and ignore the part of my soul that is yearning for a healthy climate of living. During these times I freely indulge as I pretend that regret isn't waiting for me around the corner. Living free of regret is a possibility only when I act in a way that reveals my core beliefs. I want my core belief to be that I make mindful decisions about food choices. Is it possible to develop core beliefs? Another question for the cosmic void.


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I finished reading a thriller recently, The Girl on the Train -Paula Hawkins The main characters struggle with addiction, I can easily relate. The sense of accomplishment when I have made positive choices for a certain length of time, the repeated realizations of what poor choices lead to, and the constant crisis of belief of whether or not to continue making good choices today. It is always important that I continue to not let my past define me while still owning and growing from lessons I've learned.


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This has been a positive week, I have felt neither repressed nor indulgent. I bought a new top and pants last Monday -- I took two sizes of pants into the dressing room, I tried the smaller of the two sizes on first and they fit. I looked in the mirror and I liked what I saw: a woman with flattering proportions, with energy enough after work to go to the store for an hour, a woman who enjoys putting on a colorful top to gaze at myself in a full-length mirror.

Sizing Up

I've been thinking a lot this week about my size, this Blog, and my eating habits. I am realizing more and more how much I need to come to terms with how my eating habits and my size play into my perception of my health. These are not always in sync: I feel healthier when I am thinner and I feel unhealthy when I am heavier, but is that an accurate analysis?  I heard once that a definition of weather is the clothes you wear as compared to the definition of climate which is the clothes you own. I want to have a healthy 'climate' (mostly making good choices about my activity level and food choices) but I also want to be able to eat for the 'weather' (enjoying the celebrations and storms of life as food is often a part of these occasions). Life often about balancing work and pleasure: I want my students to see the fun in what they are doing and yet I still need to teach them about working through tough stuff with discipline and endurance. Having a healthy lifestyle is important to me and one that I am striving to define.

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I have enjoyed chocolate with a cup of hot tea most evenings this week.

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I have been diligent with my 15 minute daily walks. I did miss a day due to bad weather but made it up the next day as per my plan. I enjoy knowing my daily step amounts and have been trying to get at least 7900 on my non-working days. I usually exceed 11,000 steps on days I teach (that number will go down a bit with marching season ending tomorrow).

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I am really good about packing my lunch but some mornings I wake up and think grumpily  "I'm gonna eat breakfast before I pack my lunch today" (for me to do this 'out of order' is the same as skipping school to go to the movies). Overeating food for me is a type of rebellion and so I have been trying to figure out healthier versions of breaking 'the rules.' This week I wore the same socks two days in a row, is that nuts or what?

Big Jeans and Pumpkin Bars

I'm feeling discouraged, my big jeans still fit.
Are my changes enough to impact my size? How important is it that my size go down along with my energy level going up? We went to a buffet place last  night, I made good choices, did I eat too much?

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I made Soft Pumpkin Granola Bars. Yummy! The texture is more like a thin cake than granola. I am looking forward to dunking them in my coffee.

Here's the recipe I used:
http://mynameisyeh.com/mynameisyeh/2013/9/recipe-soft-pumpkin-granola-bars

I used pumpkin seeds, figs, and dates as my mix ins and I did add about a tablespoon of honey. If I make them again I would use a little more regular table salt instead of kosher salt. I also used quick oats this time as that is all I had, rolled oats would be better I think.

Here's a picture of how mine turned out:

Mindful Eating

"...mindful eating is an approach that says that there is no right or wrong way to eat but rather that the goal is to be totally aware of the eating choices you make and why you make them."                -Lindsay Reinholt, Meant to Eat

In practice this looks like me slowing down, appreciating every part of my food (look, feel, smell, taste etc.) and being thankful for it. I am getting much better at this but I have a ways to go. Lately I find myself snacking on cheese or wasabi peas while I make dinner. I want to curve this to vegetables or to wait until I sit down. It's so easy to loose track of how much I eat if I'm just picking at food while I cook. Sometimes I measure out a portion and that is better but this too is a slippery slope that could lead me into landslides of over carb vice eating.

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I was thinking about my not weighing myself and how I know this is the right thing for me, it has been revolutionary. I in-tune with my eating choices, activity and energy levels. Being accountable to those things honestly is vital. I have had other seasons in my life where me not getting on the scale was a rebellious act that went along with overeating and being lazy. I shared in an earlier post, Birthday Eve, about how I monitor clothes fitting, these types of check-ins are very crucial.

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My husband and I ask each other, "what do you want for ____?" when it comes to birthdays and Christmas. I replied, "a Garmin Watch" for this past birthday. I am really enjoying it as I am very motivated and encouraged by the amount of steps it says I take by just doing my job. It sets a daily goal for me which has increased by 3000 steps over the last 2 weeks due to my daily trends. Most days I take it off as soon as I get home other times, when I haven't reached my goal amount yet,  I wear it until I've done my 15 minute pleasure walk. One thing that's sort of annoying about it (in a good way) is that if I sit too long it sends me a message that says, "Move!"  I really don't want to sit too long and I tend to do that on the weekends and during school breaks. "Sitting is the new smoking." is a phrase I want to live by, I have been an avid non-smoker my whole life and I very much want to be an avid mover as well.

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I keep a list on my large kitchen white board of ideas I want to share on this Blog. If I'm away from home I write the idea in a memo on my phone.

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I bought a dark chocolate candy bar over 2 weeks ago and I haven't even opened it. I have had other treats such as ice cream but I actually forgot it was in there until I spotted it yesterday.

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 Last night I wanted something sweet after dinner, I ate a marshmallow and it was delicious. 

Turn, Turn, Turn

As I process my responsibility in reacting to others this verse brings me clarity and peace. I may not be ready right away to apologize, confront, or forgive. I may not even realize right away that I need to do anything at all. I am currently in a season of growth of understanding and building a better relationship with food and health.

Ecclesiastes 3: 1-8

To everything there is a season,
A time for every purpose under heaven:

2 A time to be born,
    And a time to die;
A time to plant,
    And a time to pluck what is planted;
3 A time to kill,
    And a time to heal;
A time to break down,
    And a time to build up;
4 A time to weep,
    And a time to laugh;
A time to mourn,
    And a time to dance;
5 A time to cast away stones,
    And a time to gather stones;
A time to embrace,
    And a time to refrain from embracing;
6 A time to gain,
    And a time to lose;
A time to keep,
    And a time to throw away;
7 A time to tear,
    And a time to sew;
A time to keep silence,
    And a time to speak;
8 A time to love,
    And a time to hate;
A time of war,
    And a time of peace.

Reactions

My reaction to others comments and actions are my responsibility.

When I say reaction I am referring to not only in the moment of the comment but everything from that point on both within myself and what others see. I had a time in my life where a certain comment hurt me so deeply I could not react in the moment, the comment reflected a feeling that was piercing to the foundation of our relationship. As hurtful as the comment was the person who said it was focused on their own hurt at the time and seemed to not be aware at all of how I would hear it. As time went on I protected myself from the person (it wasn't too hard since they live far away and are not in my family). Through studying James in a Women's Bible study I realized  (probably 5-6 years later) that I needed to ask this person's forgiveness for how I had been short with them on the phone over the years (passing the phone quickly to someone else). I also realized I needed to ask another person's forgiveness for a moment where I had briefly lost my patience and walked off in a huff.  It was an amazing time in my life when I asked these two people for forgiveness and one I have spent much time pondering over the years since.  I called both of these people on the same day, their reactions were very different. The first one thanked me, acknowledged that she had noticed what I was referring to, complimented me on how I had said my apology, and then went on to let me know how she had also noticed other nice things I had done in our relationship that she greatly appreciated. The second one also recognized that she knew what I was referring to and went on to say that she didn't really think I was sincere because I had done similar things repeatedly. When I asked for examples she had only one (I had not "talked to her on a shopping trip" with a third party). Forgiveness can be such a complicated thing. Sometimes I am not ready right away to do it I need to process and grow through my anger and hurt for awhile first. I did not tell the first person how they had hurt me or why I had treated them the way I had. Should I have told them right away? Maybe, I'm really not sure. My opening statement holds true in my life in countless examples. Yesterday I was informed that someone I thought I was showing support to had instead been feeling anxiety over my encounters with them. Thankfully they have let me know so I can make adjustments. In turn getting this news regarding their anxiety has caused me a lot of remorse, confusion, and deep frustration. How did I react? Did I crawl inside a large bowl of salty, fatty, crunchy carbs? No I did not. Did my husband make me a small adult beverage while he listened to me share with him my situation with much animation? Yes he did. Did I go for my 15 minute walk, shake it off, and eat a nutritious meal of spaghetti squash? Yes I did. My sister Leslie uses a phrase that I love. When someone says or does something that upsets her she refers to it as "made me bristle" then she ponders why she reacted that way so she can figure out how to move forward. Sometimes I need to communicate with the other person other times I need to work on myself. I decided with my grocery sample giving out acquaintance who commented to me about "maybe you'll keep the weight off THIS TIME" [emphasis added in my head] that I am now ready to forgive her and actually be thankful for this comment that has energized me to work more deeply on myself. She confirmed what I already suspected people were thinking and what I already knew: I have had a broken relationship with food that goes much deeper than 5 year 60 pound weight swings. My reaction will be to: not go the other way when I see her, to talk things through on these posts, to work towards treating food with mindful respect, and to build trust in myself that I am NOT my past mistakes.

Not Telling, Profiles, Birthday Cake/Senior Pizza, Roasted Chickpeas/Cheesy Kale Chips, HyVee/Walmart, and Morning Mugs

"I would send you a bouquet of newly sharpened pencils if I knew your name and address. On the other hand, this not knowing has its charms." [Joe Fox in an email: You've Got Mail]

The quote above is me regarding this blog. I am really enjoying the charms of not telling most people. I remember when I found out that my husband's cousin had become a vegetarian. No one knew for the longest time. She just did her thing. She didn't mind talking about why she had made the change (it was a compelling story to be sure) she just only did when asked. I really admired how she carried herself in such a way that most people, even those who ate with her often, had no idea. I am extremely thankful for being able to write here in this Blog and get out my need to share, it helps me move forward. 

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I admired my profile in the vanity mirror Friday morning. From my torso up I can see a difference in my shape that I feel really good about. Later that day I was sitting at a desk in the classroom and happened to glance a view of myself in a full length mirror I had forgot was beside me: not a good view at this time! While I am happy with my progress I am also aware that this is not the shape I want to maintain. Yes I am already experiencing success but I also know that I will have better health, especially in terms of my energy level as I continue with these good choices. 

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My birthday was last Sunday and the following Monday I found a homemade cake on my desk. My work BFF had left it there with a Happy Birthday message on the cover of the container (she had taken the day off to watch her daughters play at HS Golf Districts, which their team won WOOT WOOT!!). She is so clever replying to my thank you text with "what are you talking about?" but it was extremely obvious as to who did it and exactly the type of thoughtful thing she does. My 47th birthday (2015) was on a Friday, I had been on my new job for less than a month and we had a home football game. This meant a late night of Pep Band. No one knew it was my birthday, I thought about bringing treats etc but ended up celebrating my birthday in my heart that day/evening. (We celebrated as a family at another time.) It was so great to share the cake with students throughout the day who all gave me a hearty "Happy Birthday!" as they dug in with big smiles. I didn't have a piece but I've never enjoyed a cake more. The next day when my friend's daughter (one of the golfers) asked "how'd you like your cake?" I said in all honesty "I loved it!"

In similar fashion the Senior Class I co-sponsor earned a pizza lunch from our administrator for being the first class to get all of their registration forms signed and turned in at the beginning of the year. My lunch break is with the JH students so I was teaching while they enjoyed their pizza. There are few things better in this world than having 3 smiling/proud seniors interrupt your 6th Grade Band class carrying 3 slices of pizza saying, "we brought you some pizza Mrs. Haddock!" and asking "what do you like to drink Mrs. Haddock?"  I have a rare bond with these girls: they ask for and respect my opinion while also telling me how much they appreciate my help. I have been on the other side of this with other students I've sponsored in the past (I don't feel as though I've done anything new) and so I treasure this connection deeply. I did not eat the pizza (I packed it in my lunch box to save for my husband) still when the seniors asked later, "did you like your pizza?" I said, in all honesty, "very much!"

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I've tried to make roasted chickpeas but they were not nearly as good as the ones I bought from the Walmart produce section this week. They happened to be seasoned with Ranch but it's the texture that I'm in love with the most. I also love their Cheese Flavored Kale chips, the texture is a sort of gooey crunch. 

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My two hometown grocery stores are HyVee and Walmart Supercenter, both have a Health Food section and I especially enjoy trying their snack options. They stock a wide variety of nuts, seeds, and chips. The more traditional chips are corn &/or rice based so are not an option at this time but may be portioned in the future.

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As I posted in Bowlful the dishes we use play into how we enjoy our food. I really like certain coffee mugs and so does my husband. He and I are not the same in what we like but that we have a similar thought process. I like big handles that all 4 fingers easily slide into, he likes only 3 fingers to fit. I like big clunky mugs of any color, her prefers white with one simple emblem. 

Locker Sign Truth

Sign says:
Success is the sum of small efforts, repeated day in and day out!
Keep working hard, stay focused, and support on another!