Cheesecake yes, popcorn no!

I had a slice of cheesecake last night and didn't eat the graham cracker crust. When asked why I didn't eat it I simply said "I don't want to"

Making plans to go to a late night showing of Jason Bourne, no popcorn but I could have chocolate instead.

Capris zipped and an interesting read

One of my goals is to be able to wear a certain pair of capris by the end of September. When I started (July 13th) I couldn't even fasten them the button was 2-3 inches from meeting the buttonhole. Today I zipped them up and buttoned them. I'll post a picture when I can wear them out of the bedroom.

****

http://www.eatclean.com/trends/most-addictive-foods?cid=soc_Eat%20Clean%20-%20eatcleanfeed_FBPAGE_Eat%20Clean__

I read an article today (URL above) on food addictions being likely with high fat/high glycemic load combination. The article said that being high in both of these is not something that happens with foods found in nature. I am abstaining from many of these foods this year as they are my vices. I thought it was interesting that it said the fat in the mouth was comforting. I was surprised (and not at the same time) to see cheese on the list. It is high enough in fat to make the list even though it has a 0 glycemic load. I have been craving cheese like crazy lately and now this makes sense, it's trying to replace my intake of fried foods. I'm going to work on monitoring my intake of cheese (and peanut butter), I need to be able to enjoy food as a friend not enemy.

Snacking urges!!!

Today I want to snack a lot, I sort of want easy carbs like pretzels but mostly I just want to be fuller. It's so nice to know I've made this commitment because it has helped me focus on more creative options (see list below). Last night I had a dream about cutting cake for my students, I forgot for a moment and ate some frosting then realized frosting was actually OK so I didn't forfeit my commitment. That being said if I do accidentally have a fall or if I just go off the wagon I still plan to continue my year, I will post the incident here and move on. I've also been thinking and wondering if I've maybe lost a pound or 2, it has been almost 2 weeks since I started eating better. The thing that is good about the scale is that it will give very precise feedback. This is also what is bad about the scale. I ultimately only care about what size I am and my pounds are not my main concern. In the past I have gotten discouraged when I couldn't stay the same weight for 6 months even when my clothes were honestly still fitting. My past cycle has been to forgo all eating and weighing plans because I get so discouraged with the number not staying down and then the next thing I know I'm 2 sizes bigger.

Snacks I've had today:

• 1/3 cup of pumpkin seeds, the serving size (this is a snack I discovered about a month ago after reading an article online, it is higher in fat than protein or carbohydrates but is is apparently "good" fat) 
• Bread and butter pickles (my mom used to make these and I realized about a year ago that I LOVE them)
• 1 piece of beef jerky (it's supposedly a good brand, whole food people say)
• Apple and cheese (am)
• Apple and peanut butter (pm)

Potential Hurdles

Meant to Eat Homework:

My goal of abstaining from certain foods will create challenges:

• when I'm super hungry and want to grab the first thing I see 
• when I'm eating with others and there are limited choices
• when I don't plan things out ahead of time
• when I really feel like eating chips, popcorn, or french fries (3 of my favorite comfort foods)

My personality lends to these challenges by:

• not handling situations well when I feel I am inconveniencing someone else
• I like to use food as my reward for accomplishing a task or motivating me through stressful times
• I tend to procrastinate
• I like to snack by myself and with others, it's fun 

At home and work some problems may be:

• when certain foods are presented (Ex: chips at the Mexican restaurant I didn't eat them and this isn't like me, wasn't ready to talk about it yet.
• people know I've made changes before and so I am hesitant to start again

I have support by writing on this Blog and as time goes by I will tell others so they won't be an obstacle.

Feelings before & Setting goals

The past 8 months or more I have been unmotivated to be active, vegetables were undesirable, fruits unappealing, I would tire easily during normal activities such as grocery shopping, bending over to do something such as clipping my toenails was exhausting, I would often break into a sweat when I was expressively conducting. I craved starchy foods and my comfy chair to soothe me physically and mentally. I often couldn't look at myself in the mirror.

****
Setting Goals
Lindsay Reinholt (author of Meant to Eat) homework

This week: be successful in following my eating plan
This month: above goal plus tell my husband about my goal
This year: to desire fruits and vegetables over large amounts of empty starchy foods, To want to (and do it) be active on a regular basis to walk for 10 minutes or more. To be a size 14 and start receiving clothes from Stitch Fix. Be able to bend over easily, get up and down from the floor more easily, recover more easily from strenuous activities such as a flight of stairs. To care more about my heart and cardiovascular system then my taste buds.
Five and Ten years from now: in the summer of 2021/31 I will be 52/62, I hope to have accomplished more writing, deeper friendships, consistent reading, an understanding of how I like to spend time away from my job. Healtywise I hope to have maintained my "This year" goals along with some others. I hope to have a deeply well established love relationship with food that is built on trust.

Sub-goals:
1) Don't sit more than 30 minutes without getting up for at least 3 minutes (walk around, stand, stretch etc.)
2) Walk 10 minutes or more 3 or more times a day 4 times a week (or do 30 minutes of walking once a day)
3) Stick to my eating plan this year
4) Eat until full, switch up what I'm eating rather than fill up on one thing.
5) Visit and revise my sub goals at the end of each month (I set a reminder on my calendar)

Rough Afternoon & Telling others

Yesterday started out great, I felt energized, I was enjoying my food choices and feeling satisfied. Until, about two hours after lunch, my stomach decided to reject everything in it:


After an incident such as this it has been my practice to go to simple starches like toast or saltines, I was very tempted but I stayed the course, I was able to make due with some tonic water, coconut popscicle, Kashi's GOLEAN cluster cereal with melted cheese, a pack of Smarties, and small bowl applesauce.  I was very hungry (had cheesy scrambled eggs, an oat granola bar, and hot tea with honey) this morning, I am feeling haunted by veggies and fruit.

I have considered that a stomach bug (this was clearly not that it was the rejection of a certain food) may come my way this year and if/when that happens I will be sipping on chicken broth with noodles because that is my stomach's repairer.

****

So far I haven't told anyone about this Viceless-ness decision, unless you count my many readers, Ha!
While on vacation I did tell my 20 something daughter that I was considering doing a food avoidance of some sort for a certain length of time and blogging about it. I was also sort of forced to tell a friend I was with last weekend that I was avoiding certain foods 'for awhile, as an experiment' since I was staying the night with her. Last Wednesday I packed my lunch instead of ordering takeout with the group of flutist I joined for lunch. As time goes on I will need to tell people, for now it's just between me, my keyboard, and cyberspace.

"Meant to Eat" homework (Lindsay Reinholt)

I Am Uniquely Beautiful

I am energized and excited about performing music with others, talking to my daughter, laughing with my son, traveling/laughing/talking with my husband, teaching, writing down my thoughts, positive/thoughtful feedback

I am passionate about being with those I love, watching TV/DVDs with fun people and great food, watching TV/DVDs by myself with great food, small public schools especially small band programs, teaching beginning band, reflecting on life and my navigation of it

I am unique because I am both extroverted and introverted, I have a strong sense of empathy (sometimes too strong), I laugh really loud and often, I have a lot of freckles on my face, I have really dark brown healthy hair, I am silly, I am surprisingly stubborn (it sneaks up on me at times), I have a terrible ability to remember details such as the names of things/people, I have an amazing ability to remember feelings/events, I wake-up early energetically, I talk to myself (A LOT!)

I offer the world: thankfulness, positivity, sympathy to the other side, friendliness, empathy, I am open to a wide range of ideas, when I play the flute in a worship setting this music helps others (and myself) feel closer to God, streamlining processes, getting to the point w/o skirting it, candor (hopefully with gentleness)

My purpose in life is to live each day with gratitude, to play along with others in life, to be in the moment

What I like about myself is my purpose (see above), my sense of humor (outgoing and incoming), my broad sense of things (I am not sophisticated but I do have a nice mix of common sense and brainy sense).  I like that I can play multiple instruments so I can teach others how to get started learning them. I like that I can read music, especially rhythms, well.

What I specifically like about my body is: that I'm short, I am healthy, I have good hair, clear skin, nice feet/toes, short fingers with wide palms (great for flute playing).

Others have complimented me on my: hair, my laugh, my flute playing, my organizing, my teaching/teaching prep, my family, my intelligence, my computer skills, my posts, my weight loss, my pictures.

Others would say my best features are: my hair, smile/laugh, personality

I say my best features are: my shortness, my feet, my hair, my self-talk

I can highlight my best features by reading this post, thinking more about them than my lesser features, not sure how else but I'm intrigued by the idea of doing so in the future.

Walking and other reflections

Today when I woke up one of my first thoughts was, "I want to go for a walk"
We're having a heatwave so morning is the time to get at this activity. I am feeling really energized but I'm really not sure what the cause is. Am I in some sort of honeymoon phase of this year long venture? Is my body in altered diet mode and because I'm eating 'better' I want to boost the results by doing more? Are the types of foods I'm eating changing my mental health and therefore my recent slothfulness has diminished? Time will tell on some of this but as I posted recently now is all there is so  I'm heading outside as soon as it's daylight.

[Side-note: I am a morning person so me being up at 4 am without an alarm is normal, especially when I have "stuff" going on in my life. My version of sleeping in is going to bed before 9]

I have been following the Eat Clean page on Facebook another site linked to this page posted recently about foods that, for various reasons, are good choices when trying to loose weight: eggs, oats, figs, apples, beans, Greek yogurt, potatoes, and wheat berries. I've cut out two of those for this year, potatoes and wheat are a no. I plan on buying some figs, they are sweet yet apparently dense with fiber making them satisfying in both flavor and fullness.

I am intrigued at my own idea of eating a certain way for year rather than until I'm a certain size or other goal.(It's like running for a certain amount of time rather than distance.) Health "experts" often say you need to make small changes and that diets don't work because you'll go right back, that changes need to be permanent. I can't face forever, this past year one of my biggest obstacles in making changes was not wanting to disrupt the flow and mood of eating with others. As much as I don't enjoy the extra weight I'm caring around I have enjoyed the freedom of eating with others and ordering what I truly felt like eating. I did that for a year (or more) and now I'm doing this. My self-doubt creeps in and says I'll just go back to eating horrible after a year, to my doubts I say "QUIET, let's just deal with now!"

****
I'm back from a quick walk and breakfast.
About 17 years ago I was heavily following The Zone (Barry Sear) way of eating and with much success. I was in my early 30's at the time and was no longer able to loose weight with better eating and added exercise. I began running/jogging in HS and had been able to maintain weight through my teens and 20's with running as my go to tool of health. I learned a lot about myself during the 2 or so years of Zone eating, that's why I am ridding myself of certain high glycemic index foods. I also learned that I could lose weight without over exercising. I had previously thought that I needed to get my heart rate up for a certain amount of time in order to shed pounds. Mr. Sears suggested being diligent with food choices, always pairing carbs and proteins, and walking casually for an hour a day. I have used these tips in variation for many successful weight loss periods over the last few years. It works but, when done with total focus, often left me feeling like I was in a body prison. As I entered my 45's I wanted to be able to be social and in the mood of life invents. If my friends are enjoying nachos together I want to dig in too, if there's cake at a party I want to partake, if french fries were an option I circled yes! In this year of Zone-lite (I have NOT cut out all things and I'm not being consistent with protein pairing.) I want to get moving again, walking is cheap*# and I have plenty of time to do an hour a day, the problem is I'm bored with it. This morning during my quick 7 minute walk I decided I am going to aim to do 8 of those a day M-F until I go back to work (I'll adjust this in mid-August). I am blessed with a walking park adjacent to my house, a quick walk around the trail, and Bam!

****
A physical change I've noticed the last 2-3 weeks (so not necessarily a direct result of this but still good) is that my bra is fitting better. Sorry guys but I just had to share.

****

*#I used to go to Curves and I loved it. I quit a year ago for various reasons none of which had to do with them. I am 100% behind their mission and the awesome ladies there.

Beliefs vs Truths

In "Meant to Eat: A Practical Guide to Developing a Healthy Relationship With Food" (Lindsay M. Reinholt) Lindsay says we need to separate Truths and Beliefs here are mine:

My Belief (based on my past) is that  I can't maintain my weight (because I never have) --- this is not Truth

The truth is I am NOT my past. There is always hope and opportunities ahead of me. My present is not defined by my past. As someone close to me often says, "the present is all there is there is no past or future" that blows my mind but holds true.

Feeling after 1 week

Today marks 1 week since I started.

I have noticed a bit of a spring in my step as I get up and face another day of this viceless year. Figuring out how I'm going to avoid certain foods is sort of a game at this point I haven't told anyone, adding to my amusement. I have been cleaning out my freezer of vegetables and fruits some from our garden last year as is my practice each summer. I made a sort of crisp out of leftover cherries, raspberries, and apples with an oatmeal sugar topping. It feels good to know each day that I'm not going to eat certain things. I feel free similarly to a child or dog who roam about happily inside a fence. 

Physically I'm feeling a bit lighter. My digestion is a bit off, coincidentally my household has been passing a bug around. I feel in control of my eating something I haven't felt in well about 18 months. I feel excited about having an ambitious goal for this year it makes me feel special.

To expound on the question I state in my Blog description: "if no one could see me would I want to be healthy?"
I realized my answer to this question is all about how I look and not at all about how I feel or the importance of taking care of myself. I have learned many lessons over the years regarding myself and weight loss. First off I can't compare myself to others, what's the point? Some people eat whatever they want and have relatively little weight gain. I hear others say "whoa I gained 10 pounds last year" that is a drop in the bucket for me. I can gain 10 pounds in 2 weeks. I have to pay attention vigilantly to my intake of food and my activity level in order to maintain a size 10/12. (Right now I'm a size 18/20.)  My past experience has been that once I hit that size the struggle continues as I have trouble staying the same weight. Sometimes my clothes continue to fit but the scale creeps up discouragingly. I'm not looking for sympathy, I just want to be clear about who I am, it is a fact. Some people have trouble loosing weight at all, I have had that struggle as well but usually once I get into a rhythm of eating well I have success in seeing the scale go down. Some people have other much tougher health struggles that many times they can't identify. Mine are right in my face and largely in my control to fix.

Another struggle I've had in the past is the compliments, comments, and my anticipation of these from others. If I run into someone I haven't seen in a while I think to myself "was I fat the last time they saw me?" If a friend has commented on my success in the past and I'm currently fat then I know what their thinking now. Ugh! (If you're someone who has commented to someone it's the 'right' thing to do, my over thinking is on me.) All this was confirmed when an acquaintance of mine who has often commented on my weight loss said to me, "Amy maybe you can keep the weight off this time" Needless to say I haven't and I'm nervous every time I run into her.

Last September I started a new job, all of my current co-workers know me as heavy. I have tons of pictures of me on Facebook at various sizes so it's possible they realize my trends. Loosing weight at work, I commute about 30 miles, wouldn't be embarrassing because they would see it as me making a positive change. In every other aspect of my life I'm uneasy at staying this size (because I feel like a whale trying to walk on two short legs) and at not staying this size because I don't want anyone to notice. I don't want to face anyone anymore, they've seen me go up and down drastically over the last 10-20 years, what more is there to say. I'm out of control and everyone can see it because it's right on my but, legs, face etc. On the other hand other's comments and clothes fitting and looking good are great rewards that I deeply appreciate. It's complicated.

In the past I have found that my body responds well to avoiding high glycemic index foods and that is why I've chosen to avoid such foods this year. I have no plans to weigh myself, I plan to focus on how I feel rather than how I look. That being said looks do matter and I would love to look and feel like a healthy active person.

 Dreams I have for body this year:
1) to be able to wear the denim capris I currently can't fasten (about 2 inches from doing so) by the end of September
2) to be able to lean over easily to clip and paint my toenails by Christmas
3) to be able to do a 5 point sit (smoothly go from standing to sitting cross-legged on the floor w/o using my hands) by July 2017
4) to be able to do a 5 point stand (smoothly go from sitting cross-legged to standing w/o using my hands) by July 2017

Photo of Me July 11, 2016

Getting started

A couple of things came together for me recently and got me from thinking to doing. The first was when a friend of mine posted on Facebook that she had gone 100 days avoiding certain foods. She talked about how after the first week her body and brain were done detoxing and then it was all about "planning and prepping" I am abstaining from: corn derivatives (including popcorn), wheat, rice, potatoes, and anything fried. I chose these things, after much thought, because they are my go to vices. I'm almost 48 and I know myself well.  Have I included every vice imaginable? No. This is a start, an experiment, and a learning process.

The second thing that came together for me was when I watched the following YouTube video:



I really liked what Shay said about getting out of pool, he made a choice.
I made a choice on 7/13/16 to start right then (sometime after I'd eaten lunch) and to go a year. I'm intrigued by 1 year Blogs because of the movie Julie and Julia I coincidentally started a year long Blog on 7/13/15 for listening to music. When I realized it was the same day I felt a deep affirmation in my decision.

So here goes, a year seems long and short at the same time. Am I hoping I loose weight and "look" better? yes that would be wonderful. I have had a roller coaster of successes and disappointments over my adult life with weight losses and gains. I know how to stick to a plan and have always had success at loosing weight when I make up my mind. My biggest obstacle is navigating life with consistency. Here I'm going to focus on how I feel rather than on what pants I can or can't wear. 

I am reading "Meant to Eat: A Practical Guide to Developing a Healthy Relationship With Food" (Lindsay M. Reinholt).  She tells her readers to write a "Why List" here's mine:

• I'm tired of feeling like a whale
• I want to show myself respect
• I want to have more energy after work and on the weekends to really Live
• I want to be in control of my eating like I am in control of my drinking or other related areas
• I want to love myself no matter what size I am
• I want to not be consumed with what I perceive are the thoughts of others 

Next Lindsay writes that from the list we should write a letter to ourselves regarding what we want to change:
Dear Me,
I hope to achieve a healthy relationship with food. I want to change how much I eat and why I eat.I want to believe in myself and not be consumed by the discouragement and encouragement I feel that are solely based on how I look or how I think others (or what I know others think b/c they tell me) judge me based on my appearance. If I achieved this goal I will be free, I will feel like I own my life, and I will be at peace with myself. Others might notice that I have confidence in myself and the choices I make. I could impact others when I am confident in what I  prepare for them to eat.
With much love,
Me