Reactions

My reaction to others comments and actions are my responsibility.

When I say reaction I am referring to not only in the moment of the comment but everything from that point on both within myself and what others see. I had a time in my life where a certain comment hurt me so deeply I could not react in the moment, the comment reflected a feeling that was piercing to the foundation of our relationship. As hurtful as the comment was the person who said it was focused on their own hurt at the time and seemed to not be aware at all of how I would hear it. As time went on I protected myself from the person (it wasn't too hard since they live far away and are not in my family). Through studying James in a Women's Bible study I realized  (probably 5-6 years later) that I needed to ask this person's forgiveness for how I had been short with them on the phone over the years (passing the phone quickly to someone else). I also realized I needed to ask another person's forgiveness for a moment where I had briefly lost my patience and walked off in a huff.  It was an amazing time in my life when I asked these two people for forgiveness and one I have spent much time pondering over the years since.  I called both of these people on the same day, their reactions were very different. The first one thanked me, acknowledged that she had noticed what I was referring to, complimented me on how I had said my apology, and then went on to let me know how she had also noticed other nice things I had done in our relationship that she greatly appreciated. The second one also recognized that she knew what I was referring to and went on to say that she didn't really think I was sincere because I had done similar things repeatedly. When I asked for examples she had only one (I had not "talked to her on a shopping trip" with a third party). Forgiveness can be such a complicated thing. Sometimes I am not ready right away to do it I need to process and grow through my anger and hurt for awhile first. I did not tell the first person how they had hurt me or why I had treated them the way I had. Should I have told them right away? Maybe, I'm really not sure. My opening statement holds true in my life in countless examples. Yesterday I was informed that someone I thought I was showing support to had instead been feeling anxiety over my encounters with them. Thankfully they have let me know so I can make adjustments. In turn getting this news regarding their anxiety has caused me a lot of remorse, confusion, and deep frustration. How did I react? Did I crawl inside a large bowl of salty, fatty, crunchy carbs? No I did not. Did my husband make me a small adult beverage while he listened to me share with him my situation with much animation? Yes he did. Did I go for my 15 minute walk, shake it off, and eat a nutritious meal of spaghetti squash? Yes I did. My sister Leslie uses a phrase that I love. When someone says or does something that upsets her she refers to it as "made me bristle" then she ponders why she reacted that way so she can figure out how to move forward. Sometimes I need to communicate with the other person other times I need to work on myself. I decided with my grocery sample giving out acquaintance who commented to me about "maybe you'll keep the weight off THIS TIME" [emphasis added in my head] that I am now ready to forgive her and actually be thankful for this comment that has energized me to work more deeply on myself. She confirmed what I already suspected people were thinking and what I already knew: I have had a broken relationship with food that goes much deeper than 5 year 60 pound weight swings. My reaction will be to: not go the other way when I see her, to talk things through on these posts, to work towards treating food with mindful respect, and to build trust in myself that I am NOT my past mistakes.