I Scream!!

I bought some to have as a birthday treat along with some fudge sauce. Portion sizes were OK.

Next night was the big debate on TV...had a lot of ice cream. My husband made this yummy peanut butter topping soo good. I had a lite dinner and never felt "stuffed." Felt pretty sluggish this morning and craved snacking when I got home from work. Been picking at food lately as I cook. I keep "saving" at school, not eating enough during the day, then I am overly hungry in the evening. Still, that being said, tonight I made good choices, stuck to portions, did not have ice cream, and turned in extra early.

Bowlful

I read somewhere that the weight of dishes and utensils can add to the enjoyment of eating.
I find our recently purchased 2 small white bowls provide that for me.
Here is one with a 1/2 cup of pistachios:

Birthday Eve

Cooking on a Friday night is a sort of obstacle for me. Last night I managed to get a few errands done after work and in my mind I was going to either go out for dinner or order take out.  When I got home my husband was settled in for the evening and I realized it would actually be easier to just make something. This may not seem like a big deal but for me it is the new thoughts and increased energy that are big. I have this tendancy to feel entitled after a work week and my entitlement is usually fulfilled by consuming junk food. There are healthy takeout choices to be made but none as ideal as what I can make for myself. I also love it when I find myself with energy to spare after work. It's funny how I have more ambition on Friday than Monday, it's a matter of perspective. I see Fridays as being an accomplishment while Mondays feel like an insurmountable obstacle. Similarly this year of Viceless-ness can be viewed as either a long way to go or a challenging yet enjoyable new dance with unpredictable rhythms that provide risks that may lead to initial failures and hopefully continue into ultimate victories. I decide what I moves I use to respond to these rhythms for each day, each moment, and each circumstance.

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Last night and this morning I reread most of this Blog. I haven't been revisiting my intentions and goals on a daily basis anymore. Daily reading them is not necessary, once every 2 weeks will suffice. One of my intentions was that I would need to revise my intentions as time passes and this has been proven to be the case here.

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My October Goals:
*Continue with my eating plan
*Increase my daily walks from 5 to 15 minutes a day (when I miss a day I walk double the next)
--the September goal of walking 5 minutes a day has been good mentally for me more than physically, a nice way to change up the usual evening chair slumping. I also noticed I usually ended up walking 10 minutes.
*Keep up with my Blogging goal of posting at least once a week. Readers: if I go past 9 days without explanation I may need some encouragement.

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Late snacks when I arrive home after 9pm are going well. I am not eating popcorn but I do enjoy Wasabi peas 1/4 to 1\2 cup along with some soy nuts or pumpkin seeds and herbal tea. I think about this choice and amounts ahead of time so I'm not picking at stuff as I decide. In some ways food is a reward for working late but more importantly it is necessary to eat or I will wake up in the night very hungry.
There have been many evenings recently that I know I would've eaten gross amounts of popcorn had my mind not already been set. Those ways need to be a thing of the past and not a stress of the present or future (ie: stop letting negative self-talk creep in and try to say "you're gonna do it again once the year is up etc.")

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I went to Freddy's last Saturday with a few choir students and my work BFF music co-teacher. The menu was tough to navigate. I haven't told anyone about this eating thing at work (in general few people know or have realized).  I could have just gone with ice cream, then I saw a bowl of chili was an option. I was nervous about spilling it on me but decided to go for it. There was a comment about getting something other than a steakburger since that's what the place is known for and I said something like, "I do what I do." I ate slowly and didn't spill a drop on me.

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I tried to measure myself last night 3 times with 3 different, and not pleasing, results. I am going to give up measuring myself for now. My pants are fitting better, the end.

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My thoughts on clothes (specifically pants) fitting is there are variatons on what fit means.
On one end there is -- panic at the thought of them even touching the dryer for fear of any shrinkage
While on the other end is -- boy these sure are loose I need to be sure to stick them in the dryer to fit better
Between those two extremes are less panic and less concern about looseness.
The next level would be starting over with another size of pants (bigger or smaller as the case may be).
In order for me to use clothes fitting as my true guide on how healthy I am feeling I need to honestly realize where I am on this spectrum while I continually examine the choices I'm making.

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As previously mentioned an acquaintance of mine said to me after a recent weight loss, "maybe you'll keep the weight off this time Amy" these words haunt me. She has no idea how this came across and I am not in a position to tell her. I saw her yesterday, she works part-time at the grocery store handing out food samples (I know, right?). I have got to comes to terms with this becaue my instinct was to run and this is only hurting me. I am working on how I am going to respond and greet her the next time I see her. As my suster Leslie wisely noted recently regarding forgiveness in general "I need to put it down and stop carrying it around" I feel ugly even as I write about it and yet I feel it is important to do so. I am going to attempt to be thankful for this person's comment being a driving force behind the main theme of this Blog. My success is now, my daily choices to be healthy and to build a healthy relationship with food.

Heart of Palm

Forgive me if I've mentioned this before, I love Heart of Palm. It's in a can, is sort of like a noodle meets artichoke heart. I sliced it and put a little chicken cooked in salsa over it. Very yummy with a side salad.

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Earlier this week I melted a serving of chocolate and mixed it with a warmed teaspoon of peanut butter and 1/2 cup of Greek plain yogurt. Very delicious.

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Had a small dish of real ice cream with a little chocolate tonight. Mostly did a good job of going SLOW. (Guess what time of the month it is?)

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If this is too much information, sorry.

My "girls" are definitely fitting into the bra better. No more trying to puff out the top. I used to have to reset them on a regular basis.

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Tonight is measure night, hmm perhaps ice cream wasn't such a good idea...we shall see.

Grapes, Success, Box Lunches, Anniversary, and Herbal Tea

I've been enjoying green grapes so much I thought I'd try some red ones. They were not good. I noticed myself forcing them down like some sort of punishment. I wasn't proving anything so I threw them out.

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I feel good about what I'm eating, the choices and amounts. This is success. The goal is met. I have a ways to go in building a lasting, trust based relationship with food but my current choices are what I want to maintain. The pant size I'm currently wearing isn't the ideal size but I like how I feel in them now more than how I felt 2 months ago. I feel healthy and thinner even if I don't look any different. I'm in a much better mental place and I have more energy than before. I don't have a lot of energy when I get home from work but I have more than I did before.

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I shared in the post Doctor Scales, Enlightening Photos, Salad Orders, and Box Lunches that I would be attending a meeting with box lunches and that I wasn't sure what I was going to do. First off it was no big deal, everyone was busy eating and talking and no was making comments. I skipped the bread, cookie, and chips and enjoyed the separately packed lettuce/tomato with my meat and cheese. I have never been more thankful for an apple in my life.

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I recently passed the 2 month mark of this Blog, woot woot! I am also coming up on my 48th birthday. I day I like to enjoy with relaxation and fun foods. I have already decided that if someone gives me a treat to celebrate I will take 3 bites and ignore my rules for the day. I had already noted on a previous post how the first bite of something is the most enjoyable, especially when I am really hungry. It's important to notice it, sometimes I find myself cramming the food in as if I live in a theatrical orphanage with often denied meals. Lindsay Reinholt (Meant to Eat) writes that fun foods are really about 3 bites: the first is a sort of greeting, the last is a sort of good-bye and one middle bite is all that is necessary. Slowing down and really enjoying those 3 bites is very important. She also talks about how sometimes we crave fun foods as a way to be delinquent, to go against the rules that we generally follow to a tee. Finding other outlets for this is important like maybe listening to music that is edgy or painting our nails a crazy color. These are better outlets than eating a tub of popcorn (my typical rebellion food/amount).

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I am very thankful for herbal teas, they have been a huge help for me in the evenings when I can't figure out if I'm hungry or bored. I find the warm tea calms me, fills me both physically and mentally, and gives me time to determine true hunger vs. mindless boredom based snacking urges.

Doctor Scales, Enlightening Photos, Salad Orders, and Box Lunches

My sister posted a comment to my "Feeling after 1 week" post. She was able to take her thought process from one of defeat to one of victory. The timing could not have been better to hear from her as I saw my weight this week on the doctor's scale. I went in for a minor problem and was, of course, immediately put on the scale. Yes I had heavy jeans and shoes on but still would have loved to have seen a number 10 pounds lighter (I feel that was a realistic amount). This event and my sister's post have reaffirmed my decision to not weigh myself. Here's a quote from her comment,
"feeling like giving up if I was going to have to put so much effort into NOT gaining weight" 
 I have felt this many times. Maintaining weight is a battle ground for me. Our family took an epic trip to Puerto Rico two years ago and at the time I was in a maintaining battle. The scale was creeping around 8 pounds more than my "ideal" weight. I look at the photos now and am frustrated because I look great and I wish I would have paid more attention to how my clothes were fitting and that my energy level was high. I wish I would have stopped weighing myself then but instead I started into my common spiral of discouragement. This time my spiral led to an 18 month time of "I'm gonna take a break from worrying about what I eat". I honestly don't regret that I did let myself eat whatever for a while because I learned that I feel awful when I eat less nutritious foods on a regular basis. I also learned that I feel awful when I'm a size that slows me down. Here's another quote from my sister's comment, "I shifted my focus to how I feel, and realized that not only am I feeling stronger and with more stamina but I noticed the jeans I was wearing were fitting really well"   Yes, maintaining weight IS a battle so I will no longer go there, instead I will honestly notice my choices, my energy levels, and my clothes size/snugness. I want my relationship with food to be a healthy one, it's up to me.

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I ate out at Chik fil A with colleagues one night last week and I got a Market Salad. Being The Salad Order at a fast food restaurant is not something that goes unnoticed in a group of 10 women. I'll let you fill in the obvious comments. I was offered a fry from a friend and said, "no thanks" I mentally owned my choice without apologizing (even to myself). This brings me to this coming Monday meeting and the Box Lunches we are having. What goes well in a box? A sandwich? A cookie? I'm anxiously deciding what and how I'm going to eat: take the meat off the bread or maybe I'll pack my own lunch.

Let It Go!

http://www.ignatianspirituality.com/24471/inner-process-of-letting-go  -Posted by my Sister Leslie recently

This above article titled, The Inner Process of Letting Go relates well to how food is an attachment to me. I especially relate to Anger, Vision, and Relief.

 Here is an excerpt:

• Frustration: We begin to feel the effects of the unhealthy attachment. We feel the need to escape it, at least part of the time. We become more impatient with the relationship or the habit or the possession.
• Sadness: When it comes time to let go, there is some sort of grieving involved. Even if you truly want to let go of something, it has been your companion for awhile, and you may experience the sadness of parting.
• Anger: After an unhealthy attachment has wounded you repeatedly, the pain may very well give way to sheer anger. This isn’t necessarily a bad thing, especially if it gives you the energy you need to make the break with whatever you’re clinging to.
• Vision: How do you let go of your need to control the details of your life? You catch a glimpse of how it would be to be free of your obsession. You might experience an afternoon of giving up control—and discover that it was a pretty nice afternoon! If your unhealthy attachment is a bad diet, you may develop a different vision of your life by eating healthier for a few days and discovering how much better you feel.
• Relief: One day, it occurs to you that you really don’t have to hang on to that dream, or social status, or a younger woman’s dress size. And you are flooded with this wonderful sensation—it’s called relief. After you’ve experienced relief—or, it may be a deeper thing, such as God forgiving you for not being perfect—why go back?

Waisted!

I've measured myself at the bellybutton every other Friday for 6 weeks. Last night it looked like it went up 3/4", this morning it was down 1/2" (from the end of August's measurement). It's tough to get the tension the same each time, one little squeeze trims off a significant amount. On my phone reminder I'm posting unchanged.

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• Feeling proud of being me as I walk the halls at school with a spring in my step
• Feeling good in my clothes
• Feeling my pants hanging on me differently especially around the thighs and waist
• Feeling like I want my clothes to look good (ie: taking pride in my appearance)
• Feeling very proud of my eating choices and the fact that I prepped a lot of yummy veggies last weekend that were extremely helpful during this past week's hectic and stressful pace
• Feeling fantastic about loving vegetables: cauliflower, spaghetti squash, cucumbers, eggplant, grape tomatoes (veggies of the week)
• Feeling surprised when I have the energy to do a small extra chore at home after working all day
• Feeling like a winner when I picture myself making pleasurable yet sensible eating choices when I get home late (rather than salivating over the reward of chowing down a bucket of popcorn or a pan of fries)
• Feeling celebratory about following through on the sensible eating choices I envisioned
• Feeling less stiff and sore after working on my feet into the evening hours
• Feeling accomplished when walking 5 minutes for pleasure each day
• Feeling excited to Blog about noticing all my positive feelings

Cauliflower Pizza Crust

I found this recipe online:
http://www.foodnetwork.com/recipes/ree-drummond/cauliflower-crust-pizza.html

My nephew first introduced me to making cauliflower 'rice' as a substitute in things like pasta salad. He is a good cook and I definitely enjoyed the salad he made.
This is my first attempt at using cauliflower in this way. The crust is very delicious, fresh out of the oven there was a bit of cauliflower taste but has lessened and it's been especially good as leftovers for an easy lunch sandwich alternative. Cauliflower is very crumbly and messy, I think you could freeze it at the point just before or after the first bake. It would be smart to make this in big batches.


Cauliflower Pizza Crust (my first attempt)

1 Medium Head of Cauliflower (2 1/2 cups of snowy powder)
1/4 cup grated Parmesan
1 tsp Italian Seasoning (garlic powder, oregano, dry parsley)
1/4 tsp Kosher salt
1 large egg
1 cup grated mozzarella

Pulse cauliflower florets in food processor to snowy powder until you have 2 1/2 cups
Transfer processed cauliflower to microwave safe bowl, cover, and cook until soft 4-6 minutes
Transfer cooked cauliflower powder to a dry kitchen towel and allow to cool

When cool enough to handle, wrap in towel and wring out--may need to use 2nd towel

Mix together dried cauliflower, parmesan, Italian seasoning, salt, egg and mozzarella
transfer to a rimmed baking sheet lined with parchment paper



Bake at 425 degrees for 10-15 minutes until golden


Top with sauce, cheese and toppings
Bake 10 minutes more

Emotional Triggers

 Lindsay Reinholt's List of Emotional Triggers (Meant to Eat):

Stress: Sugar in the form of carbohydrates boost levels of serotonin that reacts in a way that is similar to happiness and well-being, be careful not to overload on carbs instead be sure to tend to the stress

Boredom: especially common in afternoon and evening or activity transitions

Emotional Repression: unexpressed feelings may turn to cravings look for healthy nonfood outlets such as finding someone to talk to or a physical activity

Comfort/Longing for Home: In my family popcorn is a big time bonding activity, we have wonderful memories associated with eating it together --"Food is a wonderful tool for bonding with those around you, and sharing a part of you through food is a fun way to do it" -Lindsay Reinholt

Look for healthy alternatives and watch the portion sizes

Unsatisfied in Personal/Professional Life: 

It's important to recognize when life gets out of balance and to exam ourselves with questions regarding the reasons behind our cravings (physical &/or emotional). I tend to think of what I'm going to do and eat after a long hard day as a sort of reward for getting through it. Being sensible in my choices is always important over-indulging in fun food as a sort of emotional spa is not acceptable.

Here are some craving killer go to's:

♡sit with a cup of herbal tea 

♡read

♡start a Blog or journal 

♡text a friend 

♡take a quick walk

♡look out the window and ponder 

♡dance 

♡do an enjoyable activity

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I posted about enjoying the dance and not focusing on the end. At the same time I also share often about visualizing and preparing for upcoming situations. These are not in conflict they work well together as I strive to find a balance.

Tacet Support

I recently went to a Women's Conference where I got some helpful advice. A couple shared some struggles they'd had in the past and how they worked through them. The husband said that for him (and many men) they value "shoulder to shoulder time". He recommended getting involved in what they like to do, just being close-by may help build connection. I have spent the last month being mindful of this: handing my husband tools etc, it's been a sweetly enjoyable time that I plan to continue to make a priority. I've noticed that my husband too shows me support in quiet ways. I've only told him, "I'm taking a break from such-and-such foods" and he gives nod of understanding when I push rice I did not order to the side of my plate or when I don't get fries at a local place that sells extra good ones.

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I love Wasabi peas they have a nice bite of flavor and crunch. I like to make my own snack mix of (1/4 cup total) almonds, peanuts, pumpkin seeds, and Wasabi peas. A wonderful treat I have with club soda sometimes.

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Here's an example of a food dosage: 1 cup of grapes. I eat them throughout the day. Yes they are nutritious but I still need to portion them. 

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I read about a 21 Day Challenge recently. It had to do with chewing your food completely and how most of us under chew which often leads to poor digestion and over eating. I didn't get all the details because you had to "sign-up" but the point seems clear to me. When I think about chewing my food until it's "mush" or "liquid" it really helps me to slow down and savor it.

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Rethinking and New-thinking are challenging. In my job I play a lot of different instruments to help teach my students. I know the basic fingerings of my students' instruments by heart with one important exception: the bass clef baritone. I can make the pitch on trombone (sounds the same) and I can play treble clef baritone because they are the same fingerings as trumpet. I struggle to learn these fingerings as I don't have an extra baritone to practice. Yesterday I was playing trumpet and started reading bass clef to help the low brass hear their part (usually I play trombone to do this). I had to think differently (by doing this I was playing bass clef baritone fingerings on trumpet). It was a real break through for me and a skill I need to practice more but I'm on my way to rethinking the trumpet (baritone). Same thing is happening with this Viceless Year -- I'm learning and practicing how to think differently about food. No more craming my face with mounds of popcorn or heaps of fries to reward and soothe me. I look forward to eating a variety of foods and savoring them instead. I am rethinking about the relationship I have with food and how I need to honor it with respectful dignity.

Dreaming of Toast

Sometimes I have dreams involving regret. When I had long hair I would dream that I cut it when I wasn't considering doing so at the time. Sometimes I dream I've pierced my ears when I have no plans to do so. Another one is that I am pregnant (at 47 with grown kids). Recently I had a dream where I had made a nice breakfast and was enjoying it and then I realized there were bits of toast mixed in. Very irrational, I am not craving toast or any of the things on my 'not eat this year' list. Upon waking up I was both amused and relieved.

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I've been imagining that my eating portions are like prescription dosages. I have had this thought before but am trying to solidify it into my head deeper. I sometimes walk myself through future scenarios and think about what amount of food is sensible. I picture myself a year from now, when I am no longer avoiding my vices entirely, eating small portions of fun foods, such as chips. I will really enjoy a few, once in a while, that's how the relationship works best.

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I bought a neon green t-shirt for $3 a few weeks ago. I didn't try it on in the store, it was cheap and I knew I could at least wear it under a colorful smock I have. When I got home and put it on it was so tight and also very see through. I was very disappointed. Last Sunday I decided to give it a try (with a white tank top underneath) It fit!!!  I felt so great wearing it to church on Sunday and Monday to school.

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I read a post recently from a nutritionist who shared what she ate for a week. I really loved how she made choices to have small treats like half a pumpkin doughnut at the pumpkin patch. She shared what she chose at restaurants and what she picked for snacks.

Here are some of my recent successful food choices:
1) I am LOVING green grapes - they are easy to prepare, they give me a lift when I need an energy boost, they quench my thirst when I need a little something more than water.
2) 1/3 cup of quick (not instant) oatmeal with a sprinkle of salt and 2/3 cup water -- microwave 1 1/2 minutes, add 1 T of peanut butter and 1 cup of frozen fruit (I like blue berries or blackberries. Yummy way to start the day.
3) Today for lunch I had about 2-4 ounces canned pink salmon mixed with one T of Cucumber Ranch and 1/2 of of raw chopped zucchini it was so filling and stayed with me.

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Here are 3 of my September Goals:
1) Stick with my eating plan
2) Take a 5 minute walk a day for pleasure (if I miss a day I do 10 minutes the next day)
3) Forgive myself the same way I forgive others

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More veggies seems to equal less sluggishness, I come home ready to cook most nights these days. I do go to bed early but I am watching less TV than last year at this time. Once in a while I want a 'bigger' meal: this past Wednesday I had some grilled KFC and coleslaw after a long day -- it was delicious.

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Tomorrow is a day full of working Concession Stand I will pack my lunch and some healthy snacks.