Late Diagnosis

Hello Readers -- today's post is a little glimpse of some personal 'stuff' I've been remembering and sorting through lately. It is a bit of my personal story from the last year.

I have a mental illness that typically gets diagnosed much earlier in life. I am learning to accept this diagnosis. It is not simply an episode(s) I had after a few weeks of stress. I have to admit that sometimes even after several months of knowing what it is in the back of my mind, I keep thinking how could two off days that led to hospital stays mean I now have a chronic mental illness? Thankfully I've read portions of a book entitled The Bi-Polar Survival Guide What You and Your Family Need to Know by David J. Miklowitz Ph.D. This book convinced me that I did not want to waste time being in denial as almost every example in the book seemed to do. I could relate to many of the examples of mortifying incidents such as running away in the night. I saw that when each example took a road of denial they fell back into some kind of danger. 

I believe it is important to be able to recognize when an episode is creeping up. I know for me I wish I had known what was happening when we had our annual concert in December of 2020. I remember that day and after school feeling like I was on some sort of autopilot while the world around me was some sort of roller coaster. No one asked me how I was or why I was different than usual. As I read others' reactions (or lack thereof) I seemed to be the same old me. We were wearing masks so maybe that was why no one knew that underneath I was scared and struggling. 

If you can relate to these feelings or if you're feeling overwhelmed it is ok to reach out for help from a friend, family member, or doctor. I wish I would have known how to do that sooner but I am very grateful now to be getting the care I need from a great team.

This week's gold star goes to - my nurse Lindsey who encouraged me today.

Thanks for reading.

Stay Well,

Amy BH

Staying Balanced Means You Keep Moving

Yoga Balancing and A Balanced Diet -- the two are very similar. Small corrections are easier to manage for me than big ones. SaraBethYoga says falling happens, what's important is that I get back up every time. Last week I shared my plan to look at what I could control and that I was going to make some snack changes while continuing my extra walking. These small changes have paid off and I am thankfully seeing and feeling some good results. I'm feeling more energized and the scale went down a couple of pounds. It helped that I also watched the video I share below.

Turn Off the Emergency Brake -- I did a deep dive last week on some of my posts from a few years ago and I came across the post where I had shared the video How to Stop Screwing Yourself Over - Mel Robbins (YouTube). Rewatching this video got me fired up to stop thinking and start acting. Here are some highlights:

• It's simple to get what you want (but not easy)

• Force yourself --anything that's a break from routine

• Autopilot vs emergency brake -- we like autopilot 

• If you feel stuck in your life it's a signal that one of your most basic needs is not being met  

• Stop feeling and start doing!!!!!!! Take the impulse and do it!! -- (note to self: stop pulling the emergency brake!)

• The 5-second rule -- marry the impulse right away with an action -- or it will be killed

Both balancing and doing something when you feel stuck or scared involve adjustments and choices. On The Happier Podcast this week (Episode 348) Gretchen and Elizabeth talked about how actors make choices all the time regarding how they are going to play a part. "I made a choice to" is a common part of the dialogue used when on stage or filming TV/Movies. Making a bold choice requires bravery such as using an unusual accent or singing the line. Daily I and dare I make the bold choice to say we all make choices. We decide if we're even going to notice we're making them. Today I decided to notice the time when I was getting ready for the day and how that actually is an enjoyable but often unnoticed time. Much like in Yoga I decide what I am going to notice and what adjustments I am going to make. I encourage myself and all of us to get up every time, turn off the emergency brake, and do the thing (only you know what it is!). 

Gold Star of the Week goes to -- The autumn leaves in the park behind my house.

As always thanks for reading.
Stay Well,
Amy BH

Circumstances

Hello Readers,

As I listened and walked through this past week I noted different ways I could view my circumstance. Day Seventy-Nine of 100 Days to Brave reminded me that I am bravely blazing a trail. Without going into too much detail I find myself at a sort of crossroad of life where currently the stoplight is broken and not flashing. I have no control over this stop in traffic and I have no idea how long I will be at this intersection or which way I am going next. I can stay busy but only in my car. Day Eighty of the same book reminded me to be a brave steward. Going back to the car metaphor I can't control what's on the outside but I can control what I do with the things on the inside of the car. This reading challenged me to be a responsible steward of my time and health. Lately, I've been better at using my time as I made a schedule for how to spend my day(s) but what about my health?

To be brutally honest my eating lately has been unhealthy and the pounds are creeping up. After listening to Episode 347 of the podcast Happier with Gretchen Rubin I was struck by something their guest Dr. Maya Shanker said she had to do when she found out she could no longer pursue the violin as a career (due to a playing injury). Maya shared that she realized what she liked most about playing the violin was the instant connection she felt with other people as she played. This is a bit of a stretch but I related to Maya in that I lately can't seem to get back to the motivation I had during my 2020  weight loss. As I reflected on what had motivated me during that time, I remembered that one of the things was that I pictured myself at a healthy weight as I finished up my degree. I wondered if there was a way I could create a similar motivation in my current circumstance.

I don't know when or where my circumstances may lead but I do know that I'm going there with this body. I also know that new circumstances can be stressful and that I feel more confident when I am not carrying around 10-30 extra pounds. That's it! that is the motivation, that is both what I can control and is a way I can be a good steward.

Anyone who has read this blog knows I have constant battles with weight fluctuations. This time my plan is to turn this around before it goes any further. Dani Spies (Clean & Delicious) says on repeat to pick one sustainable thing at a time and make it a habit. Then you can add something else when you're ready. For two weeks I have walked 30 minutes Monday through Thursday on top of all my regular walks. Today I decided I was ready to add only allowing healthy snacks during the day in other words I can only eat a snack if most of it is fruit or vegetable and then part of it may be measured peanut butter or yogurt. My sister reminded me that at our favorite weight loss app they call this act crossing the threshold and accepting the call to adventure. Onward and downward!

Gold Star this week -- my sisters who inspire me with their weight maintenance/loss success!

Thanks for reading.

Stay well,

Amy BH

 circumstances like waiting to get married/have children I have no control

bug or feature 

walking more in the sunshine

instead of noting what I like note what that brings to me --- violin brings connection with her audience instead of noting that during the pandemic I was motivated and able to lose weight I am remembering what was my motivation. It was that I pictured myself finishing my degree confident and at a healthy size. Writing makes me want to snack. 

Ordinary World

Call to Adventure (Seeing the scale, and how my clothes fit, and how I looked in the mirror, and how I was feeling)

Refuse the Call

Meeting the Mentor (This is what Amy was for me when she invited us to check-in)

Crossing the Threshold (when I decided to get serious - my first Noom subscription)

Tests, Allies, and Enemies 

Approaching your Inmost cave (COVID created)

Facing your supreme ordeal 

Seizing your sword (in process)

The road to your new normal (looking forward to finding it!)

Returning with the elixir (looking forward to finding this too! 

[New] Ordinary World

While in the struggle digging deep and doing it!

Small steps to reach goals something sustainable (Dani Spies on repeat)

Contentment in the Present

Each day has its own potential both in attitude and activity. This week I decided to approach the week as though I was in training. Monday through Thursday I set out to track what I ate on a phone app and to walk extra minutes in the morning and afternoon. I struggle with how much to focus on the big picture goals versus the present tasks. This week I focused a lot on the present. This was a good exercise in contentment. There are many hopes I have for the future and I say these hopes out loud as they come to mind and then bring myself back to the present.

Thanks for reading.

Stay Well,

AmyBH

Five Things I Want My Blog To Be Known For - Honest Curious Creative Eclectic Relatable

Introduction - My rose plant this week grounded me with some thoughts I have had regarding the importance of discipline and play. While I need to be disciplined I also need to find what I enjoy, look for it, and do it more. As I looked at my rose plant this week in the front yard I noticed it had many blooms budding. Once the flowers are fully open the roses barely last a day as they are detached by the slightest wind. If I'm not paying attention I will miss them completely. I will give myself a gold star when I catch myself looking to find the beauty in the moments as they come. Here are my eclectic honest curious thoughts that I hope you find relatable --

 Monday - Read 100 Days to Brave (Annie F. Downs) about discipline and decided to use my red slacks that I've been avoiding as a measuring stick for future progress. This week red slacks were TIGHT I could fasten them BARELY.

Tuesday - Met with the psychiatrist I mentioned to her about being bored and having low energy and she suggested paying attention to what are positive things and stick to them more. The doctor also suggested doing more active exercise to help with weight gain and help with mood. Very timely the daily 100 Days reading was on play and how important it is. Thankfully I have an outlet to play my flute which is a real blessing I was able to experience first hand when I performed at a small concert in the evening. For the first time, I can remember I was able to relax and trust myself to enjoy playing the music without doubting myself. I also enjoy playing with my cat.

Wednesday - Crystal Ellefsen a guest on Ep. #45 of the podcast Happier with Gretchen Rubin discussed developing the Top 5 things one wants to be known for I am applying this to myself as a Blogger (see Blog Title, what do you think?). Later I watched a video JOHN GREEN on #NotTooDeep // Grace Helbig where when discussing mental health they listed being radically honest and earnest. I like the idea of making connections with my life and weaving that with curiosity and wonder. 

  Thursday - Met with my counselor today and he encouraged me to aim for self-acceptance  - when the negative thoughts come into my head. I had shared the example of a morning where I worked from 7:30-11am and decided to watch an episode of Seinfeld and noticed I was feeling guilty about it. My counselor said there are different types of busy and I need to prepare for the inner voice and there is no reason to let worry and fear regulate my life. I am realizing that I do have fears associated with life, things I'm not proud of that are out of my control. In the following podcast, John Green lists and reflects on modifications of his life both with humor and bravery. John Green Mortification https://www.wnycstudios.org/podcasts/anthropocene-reviewed/episodes/anthropocene-reviewed-mortification-civilization  Demerits when I hold on to thoughts about not being who I think I should be.

I wonder what you think about discipline and play do you struggle with one more than the other? I imagine someone into sports might find it easy to combine the two. As a musician, I have trouble separating them as well. As always I appreciate any questions or thoughts as you may feel comfortable sharing in the comments.

Thanks for reading.

Stay well,

Amy BH