Journaling about Journaling

Hello Readers --
Journaling is something I've done on and off for decades. I have written as part of a ritual of prayer and thanksgiving and as a set of reflections of various year-long challenges in this Blog. Last fall I discovered the 9 Enneagrams and repeatedly I have confirmed that I am a 4. It is fun to discover how my 4ness plays out and to have it repeatedly confirmed. As everyone does I relate to all the Enneagrams but the 4 "gets me".  I feel understood. I enjoy "knowing" myself in a new way without being put in a box. As a Four, I relate to the struggle with balancing my need to be an individual and my need to be accepted and understood. I see this in politics I am extremely moderate. In religion, I attend an "Evangelical Christian" church but I cringe at many associations of this religion. I am not extreme, I am part of the silent majority, the middle.

Another, more personal way, the need to be understood plays out, is the conflict within me. I like myself a lot. I take care of me and make sure I don't get too stressed. This inner confidence is a conflict because it clashes with the self I project. I project humility or, more honestly, lack of self-confidence. The conflict between my inner and outer self-image often brings me extreme frustration. I regularly receive feedback that I lack self-confidence, for example: "if we can just get you to start believing in yourself more I think you could be an amazing leader" my boss said to me in January. This feedback is everywhere! Growing up my mom said it (I'm still growing up btw).  All of my principals have said it, repeatedly. My colleagues say it. My fellow grad students say it. When the same feedback keeps coming at you from so many angles, for so many years, there must be some truth to it to be gleaned. I crave honest feedback, I live for it, but I also sieve it repeatedly and wash it over and over in my head. I realized that the difference between how I feel about myself and how I project myself to others is largely attributed to the words I chose. For the last year, I have been paying close attention, as I may have shared previously, my need to resist the words "I don't know". I noticed that I often say it when I'm filling in lulls in conversation. It is common to hear that people who project cockiness are compensating for an inner lack of confidence. I recently realized that I am doing the opposite. I am projecting a lack of confidence to make-up for my inner cockiness. Helpful revelation.

Along this line, I enjoyed the video below by Abby Howe (link below). Once again I confirmed myself to be an Enneagram 4. Abby does a good job of both being funny and educational. She is an amazing actress and teacher.  This time of quarantine has reminded me of the season in my life (my mid 30's) when I decided to go back to school to be a teacher. My kids were attending elementary school and I literally found myself pacing my living room, crying, fists clenched, because I didn't know what to do, I craved a creative outlet. Thankfully, during this similar season, I have been journaling. One thing I really love about writing is that you can edit. Although the editing process is never truly done it is nice to be able to choose the wording carefully, to wordsmith, to correct mistakes, and project myself with a nice balance of humility and self-confidence.

The below working from home Enneagram video confirms my need to create (journaling outlet). While editing is nice, at some point I need "turn something in" (I hope you enjoyed reading this as much as I enjoyed writing it, wink wink).  I used to think that being in a hurry to turn something in (my philosophy in 6th grade) was strictly a weakness. I have grown to realize it is also a strength. While I don't want to publish Blogs (or my DiP) too quickly part of creating is sharing (privately or publicly). In short, journaling provides an outlet for confidence and humility.
Enneagram Types Working from Home

Applying to Practice is my "superpower" (in theory, lol) -in other words, I like learning things and then seeing how they may be applied in other situations. This skill has been extremely helpful in my course of study towards a dissertation in practice (DiP). One of the comprehensive exams was just that, a reflection of 2 years of course work applied to my practice. On this portion, I was marked exemplary by one of my 2 graders. [Update: my last 2 interviews are set for Monday this will be followed by other types of data collection. Next, I will be done with my 'break' from writing and will move into analysis/conclusion writing phases.]

I listened to Brene Brown who shared some amazing practical advice for how any group can allow for individuals to have space to serve and be served by developing a language and frequently checking in with each other. Expectations can be a great thing in a trusted relationship. Day to day reality does dictate a need for us all to be given allowances regarding the amount we can currently give. Checking in with each other and knowing how to communicate and listen to others regarding our current resource status is an important part of caring for each other. Here is BB's podcast on the topic:
The 50/50 Myth

Oh, the Thinks that you Think (Dr. Suess)...
I have been pondering the differences between sight-reading and developing musician skills --I don't sight-read at the same level as my students because I can read way better than them. Additionally, I did not start over each time I learned a new instrument. I can out read on any instrument because reading music is a skill I have honed for 1000's of hours. However, I do have enormous empathy for every instrument family and the challenges they face. My awareness increases whenever I try to learn something that's hard on the flute/piano/guitar/drumset, I suddenly wake up and realize "oh yeah, I need to not push them so hard when stuff is hard, it is work! and it gets overwhelming fast, and I want to give up and throw this thing out the window!"  Last summer on the drumset for Little Women I wanted to quit so bad --thankfully I didn't. When we face a crisis Brene Brown's 50/50 rule applies to each of us in different ways because we have different resources available to us. I bring a ton more to the table of "sight-reading" than a 5th grader, therefore, I can guide them through the process and teach them, that is my job. The students who trust me soar, when they persevere, because they let me guide them. I continue to grow in my ability to learn tough music but I will never start over. My teachers made me learn repertoire and etudes that were created in every key and mode and thus my muscle memory is well developed in every key and mode. It is an amazing skill set to have. When observing ambulance EMT's for a graduate research assignments months ago, I saw an example play out when EMT's were learning and discussing new procedures. The EMT's with decades of experience took on different roles than the rookies. The collaboration was effective and involved a lot of trust, listening, patience, trial and error. Quarantine is new to us all, thankfully there are experts (in health care, economics, statistics etc.) who have studied 1000's of hours and who are willing to help guide us through this difficult sight-reading excerpt.

Media:  
I am trying to ween myself from the need for notifications. Facebook is both my friend and foe, one of my sisters is currently fasting FB for a version of this fact, and I applaud that decision. While I enjoy staying connected I don't want to become addicted to it. Weezy waiter and his wife Chyna took a break from various things in a series of videos. One of them was the Internet.
WW no Internet Chyna is relatable
Quitting FB bc of need for affirmation was getting ridiculous --a summary of all this quitting

I finished The Catcher in the Rye -- I appreciated it more after watching John Green's commentary who gave me empathy for the character (Empathy --a theme of quarantine).
John Green part 1
John Green part 2 (CITR)

In the news:
1) a lot of people are giving -donating their time, their talents, their money --it is extremely inspiring
2) people are getting antsier (Michigan), demonstrating, wanting to go back to work
Not that this crisis has to be ranked, at the same time comparisons are helpful in processing things so here goes-- I attribute this crisis to falling somewhere between 9/11 and The Great Depression -- it is both global and individual. It has changed "everything" and it will have long-lasting effects. I can see 50 years from now, those yet to be born hearing from young people today "you're bored? I spent weeks at home with no school and no friends during quarantine"

HS senior stuff-- stadium lights on every Friday at 2020 military time, decorating doors to show there is a senior in the house, posting one's own HS senior pictures on FB, one of our HS staff is creating a video with all the teachers/staff sending a message to seniors, we adjusted the music awards this year and made seniors more of an emphasis than usual (some criteria was eliminated bc of canceled events). I believe HS graduation is a right of passage, it is more than finishing HS -- other graduations are ok to miss this one is not. (Prom is sad but you do get more than one chance at this and there are other dances.)

Weather -- we had both snow and sunshine this week--typical April.

Thanks for reading.
Stay well,
Amy BH