I have noticed a bit of a spring in my step as I get up and face another day of this viceless year. Figuring out how I'm going to avoid certain foods is sort of a game at this point I haven't told anyone, adding to my amusement. I have been cleaning out my freezer of vegetables and fruits some from our garden last year as is my practice each summer. I made a sort of crisp out of leftover cherries, raspberries, and apples with an oatmeal sugar topping. It feels good to know each day that I'm not going to eat certain things. I feel free similarly to a child or dog who roam about happily inside a fence.
Physically I'm feeling a bit lighter. My digestion is a bit off, coincidentally my household has been passing a bug around. I feel in control of my eating something I haven't felt in well about 18 months. I feel excited about having an ambitious goal for this year it makes me feel special.
To expound on the question I state in my Blog description: "if no one could see me would I want to be healthy?"
I realized my answer to this question is all about how I look and not at all about how I feel or the importance of taking care of myself. I have learned many lessons over the years regarding myself and weight loss. First off I can't compare myself to others, what's the point? Some people eat whatever they want and have relatively little weight gain. I hear others say "whoa I gained 10 pounds last year" that is a drop in the bucket for me. I can gain 10 pounds in 2 weeks. I have to pay attention vigilantly to my intake of food and my activity level in order to maintain a size 10/12. (Right now I'm a size 18/20.) My past experience has been that once I hit that size the struggle continues as I have trouble staying the same weight. Sometimes my clothes continue to fit but the scale creeps up discouragingly. I'm not looking for sympathy, I just want to be clear about who I am, it is a fact. Some people have trouble loosing weight at all, I have had that struggle as well but usually once I get into a rhythm of eating well I have success in seeing the scale go down. Some people have other much tougher health struggles that many times they can't identify. Mine are right in my face and largely in my control to fix.
Another struggle I've had in the past is the compliments, comments, and my anticipation of these from others. If I run into someone I haven't seen in a while I think to myself "was I fat the last time they saw me?" If a friend has commented on my success in the past and I'm currently fat then I know what their thinking now. Ugh! (If you're someone who has commented to someone it's the 'right' thing to do, my over thinking is on me.) All this was confirmed when an acquaintance of mine who has often commented on my weight loss said to me, "Amy maybe you can keep the weight off this time" Needless to say I haven't and I'm nervous every time I run into her.
Last September I started a new job, all of my current co-workers know me as heavy. I have tons of pictures of me on Facebook at various sizes so it's possible they realize my trends. Loosing weight at work, I commute about 30 miles, wouldn't be embarrassing because they would see it as me making a positive change. In every other aspect of my life I'm uneasy at staying this size (because I feel like a whale trying to walk on two short legs) and at not staying this size because I don't want anyone to notice. I don't want to face anyone anymore, they've seen me go up and down drastically over the last 10-20 years, what more is there to say. I'm out of control and everyone can see it because it's right on my but, legs, face etc. On the other hand other's comments and clothes fitting and looking good are great rewards that I deeply appreciate. It's complicated.
In the past I have found that my body responds well to avoiding high glycemic index foods and that is why I've chosen to avoid such foods this year. I have no plans to weigh myself, I plan to focus on how I feel rather than how I look. That being said looks do matter and I would love to look and feel like a healthy active person.
Dreams I have for body this year:
1) to be able to wear the denim capris I currently can't fasten (about 2 inches from doing so) by the end of September
2) to be able to lean over easily to clip and paint my toenails by Christmas
3) to be able to do a 5 point sit (smoothly go from standing to sitting cross-legged on the floor w/o using my hands) by July 2017
4) to be able to do a 5 point stand (smoothly go from sitting cross-legged to standing w/o using my hands) by July 2017
I was thinking about this post earlier this week. Here's why: I weigh myself occasionally as a way to objectively keep track of progress, and I was discouraged. Over the course of a few weeks when I'd felt super-disciplined about diet and exercise I was VERY slowly but steadily losing a few pounds. Then Dawnelle came and I was eating a little more (ex., at the State Fair) but I still felt like I was being reasonable. I guess I thought I'd just maintain, but instead I gained weight and I was feeling like giving up if I was going to have to put so much effort into NOT gaining weight. And then I remembered that you aren't tracking your weight, I shifted my focus to how I feel, and realized that not only am I feeling stronger and with more stamina but I noticed the jeans I was wearing were fitting really well, as in I didn't want to loosen them as soon as I sat down. I actually felt comfortable riding in the car while wearing them!
ReplyDeleteI love this so much! Thanks a million for sharing these feelings and thoughts. "feeling like giving up if I was going to have to put so much effort into Not gaining weight" I can deeply relate. "but I noticed the jeans I was wearing were fitting really well" AWESOME!!!!!
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