Hello reader,
At the very least, I'd like my family and me to relax and enjoy Christmas 2020. This Christmas for us and for most families will be a legendary one, both for how challenging and amazing it has been. In much the same way that our dad's poems and the very first quilt H made mom are understood to be favorite Christmas memories this year is memorable for the way it has surprisingly (or not?) brought us all unexpected joy! It is important to note the importance of how my sister L plans the non-negotiable bass human needs such as eating, sleeping, and showering when hosting us all for family get-togethers. She has long understood that this time together works best when everyone has their needs met and when they are aware of and can articulate them especially regarding the needs of our mom who thankfully lives within a mile of L. As most moms do, our mom taught and encourage us all as we grew up. I'm hoping this year I can share this blog to encourage her, sort of as a present to her, and that our family will all laugh and cry together much like we did on that favorite Christmas when our mom opened that first H quilt. That Christmas is a family favorite for the tears of joy we all shared on that special morning.
In so many ways I've been writing this and making this present all year or at least since the pandemic started last spring when I started blogging and sharing about quarantine. Fortunately due to my Sister L's and H's help, and feedback over the last year, some losses, and some hopes of new births we have shared through initial accountability to stay healthy. This established ongoing ways of both communicating regularly and letting each other know how much we appreciate each other has been helpful to all three of us. Many of the lessons I've learned this year that I realized just recently are due to, as most lessons are, to all the things I've known my whole life but didn't fully appreciate. But now, through the combination of both menopause, a slow climbing amount of work stress, and this pandemic I had a meltdown - an important and pivotal event that has shown me that I can view the year 2020 as either the worst or the best year of my life. I choose to view it as the best.
Writing
In many ways, my formal education in the last few years has helped me recognize how much I love to write. I've been in tune with this fact my whole life. For example, in 6th grade, I used to always laugh with my family about how I wrote "I hope you've enjoyed reading this as much as I enjoy writing it at the end of the papers that my mom, an amazing editor, helped my not so patient self write." Mom's help on editing and me and my sister L laughing over the years at my funny way of ending each paper has confirmed that I not only love to write, but writing is a way for me to relieving stress, processing, and sharing my life
The three pitchers
In 2013 my writing took the form of Facebook posts, a unique and positive way I found to share both dad's sayings and remember him and cope with the incredible loss I was facing. This and countless examples have helped me understand how to interpret feedback both intuitive and direct. My sisters directly encourage me that my dad's quotes on FB were resonating with them too by keeping track of them and or just liking the post on FB. While the eulogy I read at my dad's memorial service I thought was not good enough at the time, I recently realized I was probably not recognizing at the time the subtle and slow encouragement and definitely not discouraging it was to those in attendance.
The Christmas Quilt
This Christmas long, when I was about eight years old my sister decided to make my mom a quilt over the months and months she prepared it because she wanted to be a quilter like our dad's mom before her. At first, she tried to make a crazy quilt, but little by little as I remember it she realized she not only needed other to help her and to appreciate the fun way we could all collaborate on the gift. As soon as she acknowledge that everyone had contributed in so many ways it was realized by everyone that this gift was not only going to be one that mom liked but one we all would remember forever.
This year, one I will never forget, the year a pandemic and menopause opened my eyes to how great my family is. I already knew they were amazing but this year due to, as I've already mentioned, a severe meltdown, my confidence to say some things I normally wouldn't and slowly unpacking a lot of discoveries that ended up helping me realize how great my life really. This is not a unique story at all and one that I've actually enjoyed most of my whole life as told through one of my favorite movies
It's a Wonderful Life.
As I said, back in 2013 I realized what worked well as I coped with the loss of my dad I similarly realized during the pandemic how to cope through writing this Blog. In 2013, Facebook was my way to process stress, it was a relatively new social media venue at the time and I enjoyed how the instant feedback encouraged me both when mom was sick and dad passed away. It connected my sisters and me in a healthy beautiful way that we could let each other know what was working well without necessarily gushing. I mentioned above about the 3 baseball pitchers, well I was reading a book at the time (Wherever I Wind Up - RA Dickey). This book helped me articulate clearly how my sisters and I were facing the incredible challenges of caring for our parents together.
As we dealt with all that was happening I let them both know what I noticed we were doing well. This way we all kept doing those things. We also checked in often. Accessing a deeper level of preparation and communication that I communicated on a later FB post regarding how we were working together in much the same ways major league pitchers do. With me as the relief pitcher, L as the starting pitcher, and H as the closer. I also recognized at the time how my parents kept the family together and wanting to be together. H showed how brave she could be whenever we talked on the phone. My sisters relationship with my mom is one that seems to have been connected because they were so similar in their hearts and motivations as middle siblings often are. L is closer in proximity and has the challenge to run things and be the constant host and do the ongoing errands. Thankfully she is also the best communicator. Sometimes L seems to gets faulted for being overly communicative but I would like to confirm that as her way of being a good host (like Martha) our mom also taught us how to do this. Mom is an amazing combination of both Martha and Mary who share with her the spiritual gift of hospitality. Have they all made mistakes over the years, you bet (remember Jesus said Mary chose what was better, lol).
Intuitive Communication
Families often experience misunderstandings that really don't need to be dwelled on. The word confrontation, a word that has always brought me anxiety because I thought in order to confront you had to go over the list of all the wrongs. I was always afraid to share my list because I was sure I didn't want to know the other person's list they had on me. I have discovered lately that as I lean into intuitive communication it is a more positive way to maintain a healthy well-adjustedfamily. In other words, a family that enjoys spending time tother throughout the year.
Some ways my family communicates - is through movies and pets -- we quote them -- it's important that as people enter a family they know the family language. Those who are direct (like myself) are going to be understood at the moment while those who are quieter may need more time to be seen. the most in. We all must also interpret the language and trust the ones who need more time. Those of us who may be able or think we can do both must also figure out how to balance the two - ie use our narcissistic empathy for good not evil. There is no formula but a good system is a great start. It must be an intentional system much like the meetings and gatherings we have been having lately during the pandemic. These types of meetings happened in 2013 naturally. My niece had two weddings yay! and my mom had an ongoing illness all spring and most unfortunately my Dad passed. This year forced a lot of face-to-face gatherings (weekly emails/ regular phone calls/ blog posts). These frequent check-ins created a space for healing to taking place. An unexpected and well-timed place for me to realize how my intuition was right about both the scariness and blessing of my Christmas 2020 meltdown.
Cats and Dogs
While my dad's intuitive language was one that seemed to be more in the moment he used a subtle ongoing way of positive silly sayings that allowed humor that allowed him to break the tension at the moment. Dad often talked to our dog saying things like Ginger, get your coat. In the H family, our pets are our wonderful way that we sort of tell each other what works well and what needs fixing in the ways we care for each other. For example, Lil' Wayne my son and daughter's cat has had a challenging life. We all needed to know her limits in order to know how to love her and help her to feel included in the family. Since my sons' girlfriend came for Christmas this year I used this visit as a way to use lessons I learned from the beach house last summer when my daughter's boyfriend first met the family. At the beach house when we talked about movies with S who wasn't a movie person and so these conversations at the time seemed to no go well. Because of this beach house lesson, I learned, to trust and pay attention to what was not being said, through cats/dogs/movies during Christmas 2020. I was able this season to stop worrying, remain curious, and appreciate the healthy intuitive approach to communication of my family. My dog G and my cat C mostly use silent intuitive communication during walks and when they are hungry. This style of communication is also one that my parents seemed to use and one they modeled for me. Therefore now, when I pay attention to my intuitive nature in a healthy way I am able to stay curious and ask questions as a way to let people know how I am without necessarily saying a word.
In closing, encouragement is the style of classroom management I use as a music teacher. I often keep circulating, wait for others to respond -- say what I mean, and walk away. I pay attention to what I know and figure out what I don't. Every student has a certain ability level so I try not to overthink or stress about the unimportant details. You can only prepare so much, -- if you stress too much you may become overwhelmed possibly leading to the trap I recently fell into the trap of my December 2020 panic attack.
I have learned there are limits and you must trust your intuition. When I give myself too much credit I run the risk of becoming braggy. When I overtrust I run the risk of feeling isolated and afraid and stop having fun with the people I love the most the people who bring the most meaning to my life.
Finally, I just want to close by saying that credit for the contents of this blog post -- must be given to the following outlets and those who shared them with me: Zoom meetings, long morning walks, quiet meals, long drives, WhatsApp messages, FB posts, and texts.
Much love,
Stay well,
Amy BH
PS-- I love you XOXO
