Shrinking Body Image

Hello Friends,
While in my late 30's I joined a gym that used a circuit of resistance equipment. Coaches at said gym required their members to be weighed/measured each month. Additionally, the coaches would use a device to measure body fat percentage. Members could additionally sign up for special classes on nutrition etc. that included weekly check-in appointments rather than the usual monthly. I had a lot of success at this gym: I loved the other members, the coaches were very friendly and welcoming, and overall it was a great place that I would continue to recommend today. This membership was a staple for me (with few interruptions) until my mid-late 40's when for various reasons things in my life were in some minor transitions I decided to take a break from the obligation to go to a place 4 times a week. Jumping ahead to present-day I am soon turning 51 and, as I have shared, over the last 4 years I have taken some breaks from worrying about diet and have thusly gained a considerable amount of weight. As I move forward I continue to reflect upon successes and struggles of the past. In the case of this gym membership, the percentage of body fat number was an obstacle for me as I viewed my body. It communicated to me that I never was close to achieving my goal. And the slightest upward movement communicated that I was not maintaining my weight. The coaches were required to use it and they would base our goals from it.

[Side Note: I remember one particular conversation where I mentioned that if  I was at a friend's house and they offered a meal that was not on the plan I was going to eat what they offered, that was what I felt comfortable doing. The coach said that was she wouldn't. I knew myself pretty well at this point and I knew that was not a sustainable view -- words I did not have at the time...also the coach was about 15 years younger than me...not that age is a deciding factor of wisdom, but in this case, I felt she was speaking a bit out of turn.]

As I reflect on my struggle of maintaining weight and listening and reading about behavioral science strategies and dietician advice I am drawn to the idea of not worrying about size or shrinking but again about how I feel. When I took a year off of certain foods I learned a lot about how I feel but one thing I did that (though valuable in its own way) I would not repeat is the idea of depriving myself. I am learning that when I am hungry I need to eat and when I am craving certain foods I need to pay attention to my body. I am still having a regular monthly cycle, I know that I will be hungry during certain times of the month followed by a drop in appetite. That's OK! When I'm hungry, truly hungry, I should eat. Having a plan of what types of food are my go to's is important. I stock plenty of vegetables and fruits and I am learning what is appropriate when it comes to grains, nuts, meats, and dairy --- and even fun foods.  One way I am practicing balance is this -- each Sunday we go out for Mexican food and I enjoy 5 chips and then order a meal with lots of vegetables and I take home half of the meat.

One struggle is that, when it comes to eating choices, I am all in or all out in terms of healthy versus could be better. It is really hard for me to eat at work because I do not want to eat too many sweets or "give up" calories. I want to start trying small amounts and not avoid social situations or deprive myself. I am working towards finding a balance. I keep mentioning Dani Spies -- she is really a great source of help to me. She talks about not focusing on your shrinking body but how you feel etc. She also gives practical advice about being patient about practicing how to be intuitive about hunger and that when you are learning something new you will get better at it with time. Sometimes you will slip while you are learning. Furthermore, I struggle with the scale -- yes it is going down and this encourages me, but should I "just" focus on my physical and mental well-being? a question for the cosmic void?--- for now, I'm continuing to weigh in as that is how my phone app is set-up.

In my app readings this week it was suggested that when you find yourself in a stressful situation to imagine a birdseye view and try to walk through the decisions regarding food and stress eating with a wider lens. Monday evening was a stressful time for me I found myself (at my hungriest moment in the day 5:00) having to challenge a customer service representative regarding a warranty for a relatively high ticket item we had purchased in June. Needless to say, I lost my battle but more than that I felt like the evil enemy. I related to Elaine in a Seinfeld episode as "my chart" at the store, I frequent, now said "difficult"? I got home and wanted to eat all my feelings. Instead, I stepped out of my head, as best I could, and talked myself through making good choices and sitting down to rest. I was depleted.  With practice, I think I can continue to get better at this and I am starting to trust myself more and more. It is also nice to have some videos I can watch when I need a pep talk --one that offers reasonable, practical, and encouraging advice.

On a lighter note, I ordered some clothes today that I am excited to share in a future Blog. Three teasers: a pair of jeans, dress boots, and a crop necked sweater. (Will they fit?)

With much love,
AmyB.